New Directions

So, Lent is over and Easter happened and He is risen yay okay. But now what?

In the traditional Church calendar, Easter is not just one day. It is a season that lasts from Easter Sunday until the Pentecost. This year, that means Easter lasts until May 15th.

Seven week party! He’s alive! Matt Maher’s “Christ is Risen” on repeat!

Towards the end of Lent I began thinking about what the next step would be in this journey God is leading me. I prayed about it a little bit, but mostly just thought about what seemed like the logical progression. Classic, right? Realistically though, I knew that blogging daily would not be a sustainable practice (you all know I barely made it through Lent, and that’s only 40 days of the year). So I began reflecting on the things God had taught me throughout Lent.

One thing that stuck out to me is how bad I am at just being in the moment. I constantly have at least 5 things going on in my head at once, and at least one of them is somewhat anxiety-inducing. I have a hard time quieting my thoughts and focusing, unless I am writing. But as we established earlier, I can’t always be writing, so something else must be done.

Late last week, I listened to the Liturgist podcast on meditation (listen here: http://www.theliturgists.com/podcast/2015/2/23/episode-14-meditation). Now, I’ve already told you I constantly have several things on my mind at once. Meditation is not something I enjoy, nor is it something I am good at. I can make it about 30 seconds before my mind wanders away, and then suddenly I am creating a mental to-do list. This is also really true for prayer- I have to journal my prayers, or listen to worship songs whose lyrics reflect the prayer I have in my heart. And this is extremely true for yoga. I can’t even keep a straight face during that. I cannot quiet my mind and engage with the Spirit, or follow the breath as it goes through my lungs and spreads to my toes. Still not convinced that is possible. 

Nevertheless, my Lenten blogging journey had increased my desire to know God and learn more about Him in my life. And what better way to try new things with a fresh start than during Easter?

Through the cross, Jesus sheds His earthly self (and our worldly beings) and bursts forth as more than Jesus of Nazareth- He is Jesus the Christ, the Lord. And personally, that sounds really appealing- to shed the weight and worries of the world and be reformed in God. Yes please. Sign me up for the less-anxiety course.

Of course this is going to be another long road. Usually if I try to get back into meditating, it lasts about 3 days before I give up. I feel silly doing it, and it always seemed like I couldn’t get it right, so I decided it must not be for me. But in the podcast, Science Mike says something along the lines of, “There is no wrong way to meditate.” And he encouraged that if you have a lot of thoughts drifting and you can’t seem to silence your mind- just let them come, and then let them go. This was really huge for me, for some reason. I could never get past the mental block of “I will never clear my mind.” And how do you “let go” of a thought?? Once it’s there, it’s there, right?

But I had never considered the fact that you might have to literally train your mind to be able to do this. Mike compares it to training for a race (speaking my language here): you have to work your way up to that desired distance. 

So in light of that, I am attempting to spend this Easter season learning how to meditate, and with that, how to be in the moment and be more fully present with God. We started off strong with 5 minutes this morning, listening to the soothing sounds of a lawn mower outside my window. 

As an end note, I do plan to keep blogging (thank you to everyone who asked me- you make me feel like a celebrity), but probably not every day. That’s a lot of words. Here we go!

Easter Sunday

Happy Easter everyone! 

He is risen! He is risen indeed!

And He powered me through a Lent of blogging every day. Well the intent was every day, the execution was almost every day. We only missed a few. 

I’ve been reflecting a lot about this blogging journey over this Easter weekend. God has opened my ears and heart to Him and my community so much over the past 40 days or so. He’s reminded me of how beautiful humility and vulnerability are, and how expansive His love truly is. He’s pointed out lies that I’ve succumbed to, and fears I live by. He has shown me how wonderful my community is. But mostly, He has showered me with a love I could never dream of, and cannot describe.

I can safely say that I have yet to regret listening to God when I feel Him encouraging me to do something.

This morning at church, our pastor spoke on the importance of realizing that we have already been given everything we need for the life God has called us to live. We often subscribe to fears and doubts that we need something more, but these thoughts lead us to disregard what happened on Easter Sunday. At first I wasn’t sure what to make of this. This feeling of “this is enough” is something I have been trying to make myself have for awhile. But I have not been able to shake the desires of wanting more, so part of me settled into them and decided they were there for a reason. I felt like I needed to keep searching for what else God had, and I couldn’t find it.

You probably see where this is going.

A few hours after church, I had to drive my brother back to school, and so had 4 hours where I was just in the car. The song “All I Have” by Mat Kearney came on, and all of a sudden I overwhelmingly felt that the lyrics were actually God talking to me.

All I have
All I have
All I have
Well, you know it’s yours
Every breathe
Every step
Every moment
I’m looking for
All I have
All I have
All I have
Is yours
And you watch my heart break a little bit more
My heart break a little bit more

I’m listening to these words and driving through a really beautiful expanse of rolling hills and colorful trees. [For those of you who don’t know, I truly love driving through Indiana. I love both rolling hills and open fields of farmland where you can see for miles.] And for some reason, I just know in my heart that this is God telling me how He feels when my searching is founded in doubt rather than a desire to know Him more. When my motives are driven by fear and doubt, I never end up at the Lord; I end up clenching whatever in my life I can control and not letting go. And then I panic as I watch things unravel in the opposite way I told them to. 

When we tell ourselves that God has given us everything we need, I don’t think we always comprehend that it means God has literally given us everything. I think we hear “everything we need” and we fear that it means day old bread, lukewarm water, and last season’s clothes. It’s easy to brush it off and say “I know, I know, ‘I can do all things in God who gives me strength’ yeah I’ve read that great verse but now I need to go get these things done so I can have more.” But God isn’t saying, “I have a crust of bread for you.” He is saying, “I made this world for you. I prepared this world so that when I made you, you could enjoy it. Stop searching the world and instead be in the world. If you would just be here, you would have Me.”

I’m really terrible at that. I’m always looking for ways to make things better. But God has already made things as perfectly and as beautifully as possible. I’m not called to improve what He did, but rather to embrace it. And Easter Sunday especially, thinking about the resurrection and the implications of “He is risen,” is a great time to start realizing that God’s “everything” is not minimalist, but instead encompasses much more than we can ever fathom.

Good Friday

A hundred good deeds couldn’t earn the kind of love expressed through the events of Good Friday.

A thousand well-thought-out words couldn’t describe how sorrowful the death, or how beautiful the sacrifice.

I have nothing but my own life to give back, and even then, it would be missing the point. We are not told to match His sacrifice to earn His grace. We are simply given it.

We can never comprehend the love behind Jesus’ saying, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Or that Him saying it once was Him saying it a thousand times for each of us, every day.

Surely he has borne our griefs
   and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
   smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
   and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
   we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
   yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
   and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
   so he opened not his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
   and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
   stricken for the transgression of my people?
And they made his grave with the wicked
   and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
   and there was no deceit in his mouth.
Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
   he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
   he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
   make many to be accounted righteous,
   and he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,
   and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,
because he poured out his soul to death
   and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
   and makes intercession for the transgressors.

Isaiah 53:4-12 ESV

Perhaps all we can do is pray that every reflection, every Easter, we are changed a little more from who we are into who He is.

Holy Thursday

[I started writing this Thursday but then didn’t finalize it until Friday morning.]

With it being Holy Thursday and the beginning of the end of Lent, so to speak, I wanted to first share a passage from John 13 during the Last Supper.

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.” For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, “Not all of you are clean.”

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.’ I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he. Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.” John 13:1-20 ESV

The emphasis is mine.

I think that Holy Thursday is one of my favorite days of the year. I’ve never been able to explain why this is- it has always just sat well in my heart. Many churches have a special service on this day that includes a foot washing ritual where they replicate what Jesus did before they ate the Last Supper. It seems like a strange thing to do. Why pretend to wash each other’s feet, of all the things that Jesus did? What is so important about that?

Many people see rituals and traditions as a cop-out faith, or easy way to just go through the motions and not truly engage in faith. I agree- it can be like that. And if it is like this for you, there are other ways in which you can honor the Lord and grow in your faith. 

Personally, I really love this foot washing tradition, and the Scripture that goes along with it. Participating in it allows me to form a better idea of what happened that night at the Last Supper, and it lets me see the people around me not as strangers but as extensions of the Jesus. As I sat semi-awkwardly in a chair waiting for this stranger to pour water on my feet, this image flashed into my mind that this was Jesus. This is what Jesus does. He finds the [arguably] dirtiest part of us, holds it in His hands, and cleanses it. Humbly on His knees before us.

What a beautiful image. Also what a slightly uncomfortable image. Simon Peter’s response to Jesus is completely relatable. Feet are gross; I think the only people who have washed my feet (besides people on Holy Thursday) are my parents when I was a child, and people who have given me pedicures. I don’t think I have particularly dirty feet, but I don’t want most people to closely examine them, let alone the Lord of all. 

I’m not even sure what to do with the image of Jesus kneeling before me. 

Yet here is this image of the Son of God, kneeling and washing the disciples’ feet, in one last act of humility before He is taken to the cross. And in this replicative tradition, we have a way for us to imagine even more accurately what it must have felt for Peter to sit and have his feet washed by Jesus.

I think what I love most about Holy Thursday is the beauty of Jesus’ humility. We talk a lot in Christian circles about the sacrifice made at the cross, and I don’t want to discount that- it is the foundation for our faith. Still, I think we have a tendency to overlook this act of Jesus, and His call to “wash one another’s feet.” 

I’m not entirely certain what the spiritual equivalent to “washing feet” is. What I do know is that this is not a call for us to only address the easy, mostly clean parts of the people around us (the head and hands, if you will.)  We are called to hold those more difficult parts in our hands and let them become clean again through Christ. If Jesus is not “too good” for these parts, then we certainly aren’t. 

Unclenched Hands

Today is World Poetry Day, and I want to share with you one of my favorite poems. It’s called “Let Me Think of Life” by a Puerto Rican poet name Lady Lee Andrews. [If you’re into poetry, you should check her out. She’s on Facebook and has some really beautiful pieces: https://www.facebook.com/Lady-Lee-Andrews-159725377380671/?fref=nf]

Let me think of life
For a moment
While I breathe.
Let me know inside
There’s a space
Where I believe.
A space with a reason
That can not be seen
Without the truth,
Foreseeing the evidence
Between the lines
Of time and youth.
Let me rest within
And hear the sounds
Of being whole.
Let me bring my body
To the level of my soul.
Manifest my strength.
Reaffirm the source.
Define my own awareness
As skill takes on its course
In the realm of the divine
One sees what must be sought
And will control the mind
When pain invades the thought.

I have this poem framed in my living room. I’ve never picked apart why I like it so much; I just know that when I read it, I feel calm. Thinking about it right now (actually, while I was typing it), I noticed that it reads like a prayer. It says all of the things I want to say to God about these past few weeks, and the future to come. 

“Let me rest within/And hear the sounds of being whole.” This is what God invites us to do- rest in Him and be whole again.

“Manifest my strength./Reaffirm the source.” This has been my prayer throughout Lent, and God has answered more overwhelmingly and lovingly than I could have ever hoped to believe.

I could continue analyzing it (I really love doing that) but I want you to read it without all of my interpretations bouncing in your head. [Then you can tell me your interpretations and we can discuss it and it will be so great.]

I don’t know if Andrews meant for this to be a prayer-like poem, but that is how it speaks to me. And to me, it’s a good reminder that God can (and does) speak through anyone and anything. His love is not limited and will find us in any and all ways imaginable, as long as we see the world with an open heart. He has taught me a lot of things so far during this season, but the fact that He is everywhere I go is probably one of the most beautiful. It reminds me that even though I have often felt alone over the past year, I never have been- and never will be.

World Poetry Day

Today is World Poetry Day, and I want to share with you one of my favorite poems. It’s called “Let Me Think of Life” by a Puerto Rican poet name Lady Lee Andrews. [If you’re into poetry, you should check her out. She’s on Facebook and has some really beautiful pieces: https://www.facebook.com/Lady-Lee-Andrews-159725377380671/?fref=nf]

Let me think of life
For a moment
While I breathe.
Let me know inside
There’s a space
Where I believe.
A space with a reason
That can not be seen
Without the truth,
Foreseeing the evidence
Between the lines
Of time and youth.
Let me rest within
And hear the sounds
Of being whole.
Let me bring my body
To the level of my soul.
Manifest my strength.
Reaffirm the source.
Define my own awareness
As skill takes on its course
In the realm of the divine
One sees what must be sought
And will control the mind
When pain invades the thought.

I have this poem framed in my living room. I’ve never picked apart why I like it so much; I just know that when I read it, I feel calm. Thinking about it right now (actually, while I was typing it), I noticed that it reads like a prayer. It says all of the things I want to say to God about these past few weeks, and the future to come. 

“Let me rest within/And hear the sounds of being whole.” This is what God invites us to do- rest in Him and be whole again.

“Manifest my strength./Reaffirm the source.” This has been my prayer throughout Lent, and God has answered more overwhelmingly and lovingly than I could have ever hoped to believe.

I could continue analyzing it (I really love doing that) but I want you to read it without all of my interpretations bouncing in your head. [Then you can tell me your interpretations and we can discuss it and it will be so great.]

I don’t know if Andrews meant for this to be a prayer-like poem, but that is how it speaks to me. And to me, it’s a good reminder that God can (and does) speak through anyone and anything. His love is not limited and will find us in any and all ways imaginable, as long as we see the world with an open heart. He has taught me a lot of things so far during this season, but the fact that He is everywhere I go is probably one of the most beautiful. It reminds me that even though I have often felt alone over the past year, I never have been- and never will be.

Donkeys and Humility

Today is Palm Sunday in the Liturgical calendar. It is the Sunday before Easter, and represents the day that Jesus rode triumphantly into Jerusalem…on a donkey.

Triumphantly?

On a donkey?

I don’t want to get into the technicalities of how this was a fulfillment of prophecy, or why this was a strategic and important move by Jesus. There are people much more intelligent than me that have more intelligent things to say on that. What I want to focus on is the humility present in Jesus’ actions here.

By choosing to ride on a donkey, Jesus effectively gives up any potential worldly power that could have been bestowed on Him had He chosen a horse. Really, He is almost inviting people’s mockery- I can’t imagine many people look particularly regal on a donkey foal. I can imagine that it may have been slightly embarrassing, and if not for Him, then definitely for the disciples who had devoted their lives to following Him. How do you defend a leader that chooses such a lowly steed?

Here’s the amazing thing: they didn’t need to defend Him. Jesus rode into the city on a donkey and there was still a crowd that was over the moon excited to see Him, and that made sure to cover the path with cloaks and palms while He rode. His apparent lack of grandeur had little to no effect on the people’s response. What did affect people were His love, His teachings, and His humility. 

I can’t even begin to fathom the level of humility that Jesus possessed in order to successfully make that ride. It was so…bold. A bold humility. What an amazing quality.

What if all of our leaders today (or ever) had this level of humility? What if we could put our trust in leaders because they were humble, and not because they were “powerful” or “strong?” I’m not even sure what that would look like. Maybe it’s impossible for the world as it is today. 

Truly humble people fascinate us. We read stories and watch movies about them; artists are constantly creating characters that try to embody this purely humble, selfless quality. Aslan, Harry Potter, Samwise Gamgee, Neo, Katniss, Mulan, Jon Snow, the list goes on and on (and on). Why do we love these characters so much? Why are they so inspiring? And why don’t more leaders in today’s society look like them?

We are drawn to humility. Where we do not see it, we seek it in stories or we create our own characters. The idea of a truly selfless person sparks hope that maybe, just maybe, a loving peaceful society can exist. If we can find just one person like this, maybe there are two. And even if there is only one, maybe we can be inspired to live in the same fashion.

I think we often mistake “humility” with “unsure.” Humility is not timidity. A person can be both humble and bold. In fact, I think that we need more humble people to act more boldly. We are too accustomed to worldly qualities that define a “good” leader or person. 

Perhaps we just don’t know what a truly humble, self-sacrificing world would look like. It seems too idealistic to have a selfless person in power (on any level). Maybe we just don’t believe that people like this exist. Well, Jesus did exist, and He did live that selflessly. He had ample opportunities to give up His humility and live selfishly, but He never did. He stayed selfless until the end- literally, He stayed selfless to the point of His death. And we are called to live the same way. It’s probably time for us to start valuing humility more than strength, or money, or volume…or hair.

[I want to thank Lucas Allen for his Palm Sunday sermon today, and especially for his insights on the donkey. It’s what got me thinking about humility. It will eventually be uploaded here in podcast form if you’d like to listen to it: http://www.reddoorbloomington.org/gatherings/sunday-mornings/download-discuss-archives.]

On Self-Sacrifice Versus Self-Destruction

I had to make a really tough decision this week. It was a decision to give something up, and it involved, seemingly, letting a lot of people down. 

It was not a comfortable decision. Choosing to do something that puts others in a tough position is never enjoyable. It feels selfish- why should I give this up, just because I don’t think I have time for it, when all of these people could really use my help? Aren’t we called as Christians to live a life of sacrifice? How is this choice Christ-like?

I can’t say I have great answers for those questions. I haven’t quite reconciled it in my head. But I think that sometimes we need to make these choices that may look selfish on the surface because they ultimately lead us to a life where we can better serve God. And, you probably aren’t letting people down as much as you think you are. Honestly, it’s probably not as selfish as you think it is.

The line between self-sacrifice and self-destruction is easily blurred. We are called to live sacrificially (and this looks different for different people- I’m not going to talk about this now), but we are not called to live destructively.

So you’re probably wondering- what’s the difference?

Good question.

It seems to me that a sacrificial life allows space for God to rejuvenate you. A sacrificial life is one where your motivation comes from a God-given heart of love, rather than a “WWJD” mindset. A self-destructive life, however, does not have space for God, and it is one where the tasks and responsibilities take over the parts of your life where God should be. For example: this thing that I gave up was affecting my personal relationships in a highly negative way. I had minimal to no patience with people, and was quick to feel bitterness and resentment. It also led me to resent God, therefore diminishing my motivation to spend time with Him. 

As a side note, I can only say these things now as I look back on these events. In the moment, I didn’t realize how much this was affecting my life. Hindsight is 20/20.

When I started feeling this urge to give up this obligation, I was extremely hesitant. It felt like all my reasons were selfish- I needed more time, I was stressed, I didn’t really like doing the task. Those didn’t feel like good reasons. But ultimately what I realized is that I was running on empty. I had really been sucked dry of energy, motivation, patience- you name it. And when I started thinking out loud to others about giving it up, the message I heard was the same: you have to take care of yourself.

What? That doesn’t make any sense. How can I put myself first while putting others first?

There is a Relevant article in which the author makes a great point about the second commandment. 

Most of us are familiar with the second commandment: “Love your neighbors as you love yourself.” Have you noticed that the understanding here is that you start off by loving yourself?

If you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to love your neighbors.

[Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/knowing-your-self-worth-commandment#w3SgJdDlE43tzVrp.99]

When I read that, it blew my mind. I would never want someone to feel as stressed out or strained as I have been. Really, I would want to do anything in my power to decrease their stress levels. And here we have Jesus saying that until we love and have grace for ourselves, we cannot fully love or show grace to others. And it really was true- I was unable to completely love others in this situation. It took so much effort and really was for naught because the source wasn’t God. Also the “love” was basically nonexistent in many circumstances.

It won’t be an overnight fix. I’m still feeling a little anxious about the decision. But I feel a rare confidence in my decision that God is supporting it, and is saying, “Let me help you here. Come and be loved. I have no shame for you.” He never says that He has comfortable lives in store for us, but He also never says that He wants us to feel empty.

On Needing Others

I heard this song on the radio today that I wanted to share with you all. The opening verse so wonderfully captures what it’s been like inside my head over the past few months or so. The song is called “On My Own” by Ashes Remain. If you look it up, it’s a little punk rock-y, unexpectedly. So just be ready. 

The opening verse goes like this:

There’s gotta be another way out
I’ve been stuck in a cage with my doubt
I’ve tried forever getting out on my own.
But every time I do this my way
I get caught in the lies of the enemy
I lay my troubles down
I’m ready for you now.

And the chorus:

Bring me out
Come and find me in the dark now
Everyday by myself I’m breaking down
I don’t wanna fight alone anymore
Bring me out
From the prison of my own pride
My God
I need a hope I can’t deny
In the end I’m realizing I was never meant to fight on my own

This Lent has been a rollercoaster journey of thoughts and emotions about all sorts of things. It really does feel as if I had been in a box and let in a glimpse of light, then watched as the light flooded the box and broke down the walls. And as reluctant as I was to let those walls come down, I can’t imagine what life would have been like had I stayed there, now that I have seen what is outside of that box. 

It’s really incredible how secure we make ourselves feel in the absence of God. A few months ago, I was working so hard to convince myself that everything was fine and that all of my anxiety was just my own fault. I told myself over and over that once I did this or started doing that, it would go away. And once that happened, I would be able to start praying successfully again and would have a joyful spiritual life.

I knew that there were things I was struggling with and that I needed God, but it was much more comfortable to stay in that discomfort than to reach outside my box towards Him. I had made a home with my anxiety and I didn’t know how to make it leave.

Thankfully, God is persistent and never leaves us- even when we tell Him we don’t need Him. He kept reaching out to me through friends and community. I think this is why community has been such a strong theme in my posts. Among other things, community serves to provide a physical presence of God when we doubt He is good. I had definitely forgotten that, but the more God reached out to me, the more my heart longed for Him and for my community, and [as I’ve said 100 billion + times before] the people in my community have been instrumental in strengthening my faith and trust in God.

I like to consider myself a very self-sufficient, independent person, so these realizations of needing people have been very humbling for me. I’m usually the caretaker in the group that makes sure no one is lost and everyone has enough to eat. Always playing mom. This idea that God has given me of needing and relying on other people was at first…uncomfortable at best. But God has placed some truly amazing people in my life who have poured into me over the past few months and created a space where I could stop sprinting through life and lean into the freshness of the Spirit. 

Through these people, I see glimpses of how the Church was meant to be, and it’s absolutely beautiful. The Church, as God intended it, listens, it loves, it supports, and it encourages. It doesn’t judge or condemn. I can say I have experienced this Church that God intended, and it not only makes me feel safe and loved- it gives me this undeniable desire to seek God even more and to know more of Him. It has made me want to stop living life alone, and to fully engage with my community and with the Lord. And it has only just begun.

Looking Back

I need to stop with these late night posts. I keep forgetting what I was planning on writing. 

I was thinking today about what I had written yesterday. Well, really I was thinking about several posts I’ve written, and trying to find a theme among them. It has seemed like an erratic journey of far-reaching topics, but when I thought more about it, I was able to see a relation between many of them. 

Early on, I felt this draw towards exploring emotions and feelings, which was odd for me because they are not my favorite topic by any means. As of late, I’ve felt this fascination with the spiritual realm and spiritual warfare. And looking back, there is no way this could have happened without opening my heart to those emotional posts early on.

I’ve realized, the more I’ve written and the more God has opened my heart, that my true discomfort was never in emotions specifically, but in things that are difficult to quantify, prove, or express empirically. I’m an aspiring scientist. I like data, I like numbers, and I like the experimental method. Theories don’t do much for me if they cannot be backed up by research, and personal experiences make a good story- but do not prove a point.

You probably have a good grasp on my skepticism and cynicism now.

Obviously, ignoring these things would be ignoring an enormous, important part of the human experience. Emotions, stories, these are the foundations on which relationships are built and made.

But even more importantly, if I can’t handle someone telling me about why this or that made them sad…how on earth would I be able to listen to someone telling me about spirits? Including the Holy Spirit?

They may seem unrelated. But to me, they are really similar in what discomfort and challenges they bring me. And it was really cool today to look back and see the path where God led me over the past few weeks to reach this point.

An unwillingness to engage emotionally, for me, meant a roadblock for engaging spiritually. But God has slowly broken down those barriers in my heart so that I can now address both without completely running in the other direction. What’s even more amazing is I feel like I am finally able to be my true self- the self that God created- and I hadn’t even fully realized that I was hiding a part of me. Walls have been broken that I couldn’t see, and weights have been lifted that I never realized were keeping me down. I’ve felt more open than I have in years.

I can’t give you a particular event or time when all of this happened. Like I said, it’s mostly the result of a day-long reflection on where this God has taken me through this blog. Things aren’t perfect, but I felt true joy today just from thinking about what He’s done so far this Lenten season. 

It may also have to do with this being a mini Spring Break for me. So praise God for Spring Break.

Balancing Act

You’ll have to forgive me for any poorly developed thoughts here. I recently started running again and it has me so exhausted. 

Honestly I’m not even sure what to write here. I’ve sort of been dreading this all day. Sometimes I feel as if I am out of words to say. Actually I feel like this a lot because I’m not a big fan of superfluous words, or talking just for the sake of talking. Pet peeves.

Anyway.

A friend today sent me the song “Grace Wins” by Matthew West in response to what I wrote yesterday. I’m sure you’ve heard it (if you ever listen to Christian radio stations I suppose), but if not, here’s the link for the YouTube video with lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ9dvAWNvsw.

While reading through the lyrics, one line in particular stood out to me. He sings, “And grace returns what guilt has stole.” The Enemy disarms us, many times with guilt, and attempts to take away what God has given us- grace. Love. Victory. But these are not the Enemy’s to give or take away- they are owned by God, and He is the only One who can decide where they go. And He has decided that we get them. No exceptions.

I often find myself focusing on things like “what is the Enemy’s strongest weapon” or “how is the Enemy so good at what he does.” And in the moment, it really seems as if I am just acquainting myself with the Enemy and trying to figure out how to beat him. The problem with this is that my focus has now shifted from God to the Enemy. This is not to say that we need to ignore the Enemy. I think the challenge here is actively seeking to fight him while focusing our hearts wholeheartedly on God, and on things that are good. It’s a balance.

I do a bad job of focusing on the good in life. I’ll admit it, I can often be a cynical pessimist. And in reading these song lyrics, I hear God saying, “Focus on Me. I have given you unbreakable tools to win this battle, but only I can show you how to use them. Stop worrying about what the other side has, and start trusting that what I gave you will lead to victory.”

It’s never going to be simple. It’s definitely easier to only focus on the evil and overwhelming and lose sight of the good, or vice versa- only focus on what is good and disregard the work that still needs to be done. But God calls us to focus on Him, and then- only then- will the Enemy be put in his place.

Diving Right In

Now that it’s been brought to my attention, I can’t stop thinking about spiritual warfare.

I don’t really know what it is. I don’t really know how to find it. I do know that I feel an overwhelming call to explore and learn more about it. Whatever that means.

My first step was to read articles and blogs about it. Easy access on the Internet. [I’m always open to reading suggestions if you have them.] Something that really stood out to me was that everything I read started the same way: everyone had to address the fact that spiritual warfare is a weird, uncomfortable topic that no one really understands. Even I did this, in the last post I wrote about spiritual warfare. [I’ll admit, I do things like this all the time. It feels like it lessens the crazy so people will keep reading and not discount your words.]

And right off the bat, we have this hesitant, tiptoe approach to the conversation.

“We will never win a war we refuse to acknowledge.” Jim Raley [taken from http://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/17980-understand-spiritual-warfare.]

I have found that many people are ready to admit that spiritual warfare is real and serious- after someone else brings it up. It’s much easier to be the head that nods along than the voice that calls it out.

It seems to me that one of the Enemy’s greatest tactics here is making us question the reality of the battle that is clearly happening. And the biggest way he does this is making us feel as if we are fighting alone.

If it feels impossible- it’s not. If it feels unbeatable- it’s not. And as much as you may believe this battle is you against the world- it’s not. 

The Enemy has given us tunnel vision to only see things that daunt us. He has worked hard to isolate us, and to shift the blame elsewhere- cleverly hiding all traces of himself. And he has helped create a culture where we are too afraid to address this with each other, for fear of ridicule and being labeled one of those “really crazy Christian people.”

Anyway, I think a threshold has been passed in my own life and I can’t go back to how things were before this came up in my life. God has already opened that door and burned that bridge. So I’d like to use the opportunity to invite you to confront this with me, whatever that means to you. It could mean reading more about it, which is what I plan to do because I am a nerd bookworm type. It could mean praying away traces of evil spirits that infiltrate your life or a friend’s life. It could mean rethinking your belief in the existence of spiritual warfare and/or the spiritual realm. I can’t speak for what you need to do or should do.

I do know that Jesus tells us, “…where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them.” (Matthew 18:20 ESV). I have no reason to believe that He means only two or three people, or that He means the gathering must be in a physical space. We are discussing an issue of the spiritual realm, which probably differs to all of us. I mean really- we all perceive the physical world differently (remember the white/gold/blue/black dress phenomenon? If not, here http://time.com/3725528/dress-explainer-white-gold-blue-black-science/). Who is to say we don’t all encounter and perceive the spiritual realm differently? The most important thing is that we unite together against the evil, rather than allowing the evil to continue dividing us with doubt.

Finally

It finally happened. I finally, FINALLY finished Captivating.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be much more relatable and thought-provoking than I wanted it to be.

Let me back up.

I went into reading this book with a terrible mindset. I’ll be honest here. I had no intention of liking the book; in fact, I expected to disagree with everything that the authors wrote about. But, I did my best to open my heart and pray that God would teach me through it, especially because I felt Him leading me towards the book during my journey of emotions. I mean really, what better way to explore emotions than through a book written for women?

This is of course why I had been avoiding said book since I had first heard about it.

But then He answered my half-hearted prayers and taught me. 

I will use later posts to unpack further what I got out of the book and at what point I really began to hear God speaking to me. For now, I’d like to comment on what I think was at the heart of my original disdain for the book.

The authors speak a lot about Beauty. They break down how Eve was created to reflect the Beauty of God and also to bring life to the world, and they refer to an inner desire all women have of being beautiful and wanting to be recognized for their beauty.

And while they tried to define Beauty as being more than just physical appearance, I don’t think they did the best job. Partially because Beauty is so engraved in our minds as being something physical that you see. 

I’ll admit that I, too, have had a longing to be recognized as beautiful. But I have also spent many years coming to terms with the fact that I am not a model, and my features are a weird blend of American and Asian that many of my peers growing up didn’t know what to do with. I worked through a lot with God in my late high school and college years to find my identity in something other than my physical appearance. 

Then, three years later, I pick up a book telling me that I was made to desire Beauty. And really I just wish they had picked a different word. It was hard to dissociate Beauty from physical appearance while reading the book. And while I was reflecting on what it means to desire Beauty, I realized that I don’t necessarily want to be told I’m beautiful; I want to be told that I am worthy. 

When I look at the moments in my life when I desired to be beautiful, I had the same feelings as when I desired to be smart or successful. I wanted to be validated, to be told and reminded that I had worth as a person. 

It’s embarrassing to talk about. It really is. Who wants to admit that they want validation from others? I don’t. Who wants to be the persons continually asking our friends, “Do you think I’m good enough?” Not me. Yet we were never created to live as islands, and part of loving someone and sharing community with her/him is reminding them of how important they are to you. That’s the heart of encouragement. 

It seems much easier to be the island. Our society even encourages it. Don’t seek validation for your worth; just make it happen. Be successful, then you won’t need anyone. But even when we tell ourselves this, we still long for that validation and encouragement, and I think it’s because we were made for it. Our hearts were made to be loved and validated through God, and through our community.

I think one of the Devil’s strongest tools against us is Loneliness. Probably of the stubborn independent strain. Communities fall apart when people decide they don’t need each other. But they thrive when their members admit to needing each other, and also when members love and validate one another’s worth. I can’t speak to what the heart of men desire, or if it’s different than women. I do know that in light of reading Captivating, and in my own interpretation of what the authors were trying to say, our desire for love and validation is what drives communities together, which in turn encourage us to further know God and the nature of His love for us.

I’ll be honest, when I started this post I had no idea that I would end up talking about community. And I’ve noticed that I almost always end up writing about the importance of community in my posts. More to come on this.

Back to Feelings

A friend sent me an article earlier this week about emotions and it goes along so well with my earlier posts that I have to share it.

Link: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/what-your-emotions-are-trying-tell-you

The author does such a great job of verbalizing ideas that I could never fully form into coherent sentences:

• Why some emotions are not better than others
• How important it is to fully experience all emotions
  
• How our emotional experience can reflect our current beliefs/relationship with God
  

Really you should all just read the article. And my reasoning is, it’s one of the best, concise breakdowns of how to be emotionally healthy that I have ever read. One section stuck out to me in particular:

Embrace the emotions, especially the ones you’re afraid of and the ones for which people have wrongly judged you. They are real. They are valid. They aren’t bad in and of themselves. Emotional vulnerability is a strength.

I think I had lost touch with the idea that emotions are valid, and not just some manifestation of crazy that was all in my head and that I needed to fix before people found out. 

This process of blogging and getting reacquainted with the emotional process has been…well, it’s been emotional. Uncomfortable. And extremely valuable. I was ready for people to tell me things like “joy is the only good emotion” and “it’s definitely a mindset. If you are unhappy it’s a choice. Just get over it.” One of the most amazing things for me is that nothing like this happened. So many people agreed with and related to what I wrote, and even more people were excited and encouraged me to pursue this. I can feel myself walking the road to healing wounds I had hidden long ago. God has come through for me on so many levels of this journey.

Emotional talks are still uncomfortable for me. It is still preferable for me to just say “eh whatever, this will pass” and continue to bury my feelings. I think what has changed is that God has taken my shovel. This community of people who read my blog and then confront me about it (eek) has essentially destroyed any opportunity to bury and forget things that God wants me to give to Him. He met me where I was (clutching my shovel) and is now leading me to a more relaxed, open place where I can feel emotional without feeling ashamed. That must be it. I have coupled most of my emotions with a shameful feeling that comes from experiencing said emotions, rather than welcoming those emotions and working through the underlying causes and necessary healing. I suppose now that I’ve said it, I can continue moving forward.

I’m sure I will get to a point where I am grateful for this, but for now I still miss my shovel. 

On Writing and Words

In contrast to how I started yesterday’s post, there are some days where I have so many things I want to write about. Topics for days. So many thoughts I want to process. I’m not really sure where to begin. 

I thought I might share with you all why I chose to blog [almost] every day in Lent. I know I have mentioned it before, but I haven’t really gone into the details. And maybe, for some of you, this will give you a better insight for who I am and where I am coming from when I’m writing.

For those of you who don’t know me very well, I’m not normally this talkative. I’m pretty quiet in big groups, although I can be chatty in smaller groups- especially when they are comprised of familiar people. But, I love being around people. I get a lot of energy when there are people around me- especially if I can stay a wallflower. Personal preference I suppose. 

However, as you can imagine/as I have mentioned before, I have always been a huge bookworm. And along with my bookwormness, I was also a big writer. I have kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Writing is my way of processing things, of thinking about things, and my preferred way of communicating things. It keeps my thoughts focused rather than wandering. 

At some point in my childhood, I started using my journals as a vehicle for prayer. My journals were how I best talked to God. I believe I’ve mentioned before that meditation has never been a strong suit of mine. It still isn’t. However, writing has kept a special place in my relationship with the Lord and my faith journey. There have been times when I felt this overwhelming need to sit at my computer, or with a journal, and start writing; often, these times are when my mind is reeling with too many thoughts to control. 

Writing has been the best way for me to communicate with God. Some people have music, some people have nature; my worship and prayer is best expressed in words. 

Nerd alert.

Before Lent this year, it had been an awfully long time since I had last written anything of substance. Words were hard to find and writing did not seem as relieving as it had in the past. But building up to Lent, I felt more and more this familiar pressure increasing inside of me, and I knew that God was calling me towards Him. And the way I knew to best approach Him was my writing. So I sat down to start writing and for the most part, the words have been flowing. And I hesitate to call them all my own. But that’s an idea for a different day.

I once had a literature professor that told me that when I write, I should learn something by the end of the piece. At the time, I had no idea what she meant. Why would you sit down to write something that has an unknown ending? For a grade? That you’re supposed to think through? That seems silly and unadvised. Since that class, I’ve often thought about this and tried to make sense of what she meant.

And I realized that this mindset is how I have been approaching my personal writing for years. It’s what I do now. For the most part, I don’t honestly remember most of what I write in any given post, because I am so focused on trying to hear what God has to say that I really don’t notice what words are being written until I’m done. This probably sounds crazy and I’m sure there is a better, more scientific explanation for what is happening. But for now you’ll have to stay satisfied with my personal anecdote.

When I was in high school, our youth group had a Q&A session with one of the priests at my church. Someone asked him how he wrote his sermons, and he said (I’m summarizing here) he prayed, then he wrote. And he didn’t know what he was writing until afterwards, because he opened himself up for God to channel words through him. 

I remember thinking that this was something I wanted. I had already come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t be a priest, but I remember praying to God that He would talk through me this way. Partially because I wanted to see what it felt like to write this way, but also partially because even then, writing was a big way that I spoke to God, and I had never realized that God could talk back to me through the same avenue. 

So, I guess writing is my way of meditation. It let’s me clear my mind and focus on being with God and hearing His words. And this is the mindset with which I approach my blogs. I’m not saying that every word I write is from God, but I write these blogs with the faith that God has something to teach me through them, not necessarily as a means for me to preach and teach. It started as a way for me to strengthen my relationship with the Lord, but He has started so many amazing conversations, I know that this is not where it ends for me.

Hopefully that gives you a little insight on why I write and how I specifically approach writing these posts. 

Birthday Cake

Birthdays are a really strange thing that we celebrate. Today was my birthday, and people just poured love and kind words into my life all day. All weekend really. And for what? Nothing I did. Even my mom, the true heroine today, wished me a happy birthday, when really it should be a “congratulations you did it” day for her (and my dad).

Yet, today was a day that my friends and family honored me.

When you take a step back from the familiarity of the celebration, it’s a really bizarre thing for us to celebrate as much as we do. But as I was reflecting on my day today, I realized how birthdays are such a nice analogy of God’s love for us.

Jamie Tworkowski, in his book “If You Feel Too Much,” writes about birthdays and compares saying “Happy Birthday” with “I’m glad you were born.”

Whoa.

What a truly beautiful thing to say to someone. “I’m glad you were born; I’m glad you exist.” Not “I like _____ about you” or “I’m glad you did _____.” Purely happy that this person was ever alive.

This is something that has taken me a long time to understand. God loves us because…He is love. He loves. He loves us and He loves to love us. He doesn’t love us because we made it through Leviticus, or because we gave up Starbucks for Lent. He doesn’t love us because we have the right body, or because we “have always been a Christian.” Love is something God must do; He can’t help but love because He is love.

We all feel special on our birthdays. People make the day about us; we get to eat wherever we want, and our friends tell us to pick what to do. We get the limelight purely because one day, 25 years ago, we were born.

But this special feeling of love- God wants us to feel this way every day. He really does love us unconditionally, just because we ever existed. There may be a certain level of social pressure that leads many of our friends and acquaintances to wish us happy birthday, but God has no motivation other than His overwhelming love for us. He gains no benefit in our existence other than our existence was His desire.

Today might not be your birthday, but you should know that you are loved today (and every day) with a love so fierce it can’t be contained to one day a year. You did nothing to deserve the love, but it doesn’t lessen the sincerity of it, in the same way that even though I played no real part in my birth, it doesn’t lessen the love my friends have for me today and yesterday while celebrating with me.

That being said…thank you to all who celebrated with me. 25 years and full of love from all of you. I’m so grateful to the Lord for leading me to where I am today, and I’m thankful for each of you and the role you’ve had in my life, even if it was only for a short moment. I raise my glass to all of you.

What It Means to "Hear God"

On Friday, the Indiana Daily Student (IDS) ran a [front page!] article entitled “Finding God’s Will.” This was shocking to me and, while I normally only get the IDS for the crossword, I was intrigued and picked up a copy to see what this was all about.

Naturally, I expected some sort of mocking satire about Christianity written from the viewpoint of absurd judgmental college-aged journalism. I’m probably biased. But I was pleasantly surprised. Kudos, IDS, for good writing.

But this isn’t a blog devoted to critiquing collegiate newspapers. It’s a blog devoted to chronicling my spiritual journey throughout the Lenten season. And reading the article got me thinking about what it means to “hear God.”

The article chronicles the journey of Ruth Ann Wade, who founded Mother of the Redeemer Retreat Center, located on the west side of Bloomington. [Side note: I’ve never heard of this place or been here, but if anyone wants to check it out with me, I would love to see what it’s all about.] Wade had received messages from Jesus and Mary over the course of several years, which led her to start this organization. Pretty crazy life story. And to be honest, I’m not sure what to think of it.

We all talk about God speaking to us, and many people have stories of hearing God tell them to do something or go somewhere for His plan.

Many of us, myself included, are also skeptical of the phenomenon, despite having experienced it ourselves.

Why is it so hard for us to believe others when they say God spoke to them? I suppose I am generalizing here and assuming other people are skeptical. Perhaps I’m just a natural doubter. Regardless, I know that I definitely feel skeptical hearing about other people’s experiences. When I hear God speak to me, it’s never been through a voice breaking the clouds. It’s usually a really strong compulsion of “I must write this blog,” or “I must talk to her about this” with the alternative option always being “I will surely explode if I don’t do this and do it right now.” It’s hard for me to misinterpret these feelings. And it’s also hard to explain them.

It’s poetic, I suppose, that God speaks to me through feelings when they make me so uncomfortable.

I’m sure many of you think I sound crazy. I would agree with you. Based on my own experiences, I’m incredulous that people hear real words from God. The lady in the article has entire conversations recorded (on paper) between her and Jesus, and her and the Virgin Mary. If it’s true (and it seems as if many amazing things have happened in her journey), this is absolutely incredible. And crazy. But believable?

Yet- why should I expect anything less from God?

I profess to believe in a God who created the universe, from the great expanse of the galaxies to the intricacies of complex microbial ecosystems. If I truly believe He is as powerful as I say I believe, then it seems like nothing should surprise me or lead to my disbelief. But that can’t be more untrue.

My faith is challenged (and encouraged) every day by the journeys of others. There is no reason for me to doubt God spoke to this woman, or anyone who does good works in His name, yet often I find myself questioning the truth of these stories.

I’d like to take a moment to address the existence of false prophets. They are real, and the Bible warns us to be wary of them. And in this light, I agree that a bit of doubt and skepticism is understandable and even necessary. But I think, for me at least, this doubt goes a little deeper. It stems from a fear that if God truly has a presence on this Earth, then He is much closer than I admit; and if I admit He is close, then He sees my every day actions: the sins I commit and how I am representing Him as a sinful hypocrite. And who wants to feel that?

In reality, these stories should be extremely encouraging. If God is speaking to this or that person, then He truly is close to us- not sitting somewhere high and far away, aloof in a cloud throne among the stars. He is here. And He is involved. And if we invite him into our daily lives, He is there to delight and lead, not to judge or smite.

I’ve mentioned before that I strongly felt God telling me to restart my blog. Again, it was not a clear command that I heard as much as a strong conviction to just write and share. I’m interested to hear how others have heard God speak to them. As always, I absolutely love when people comment or react to what I write. It makes the experience much more full, and often you bring points to my attention that I completely miss. You also hold me accountable to a continuation of the thinking process when I could so easily write and forget.

Here’s the article link if you’re interested in reading more: http://www.idsnews.com/article/2016/03/finding-gods-will

One last fun fact: this is the last thing I will write before I turn 25. Praise God that I made it here today.

Looking in from the Outside

I’d like to do a quick update on my reading of Captivating. I know I said I wouldn’t comment on the book until I had finished reading it, and I will (try to) stick to that promise. But I had some thoughts about my reading that I want to process through. So bear with me, this might sound scattered.

The authors mostly focus on how God created women different from men and why these differences are positive. I’m sure for many women, it is uplifting and encouraging, a helpful tool in the journey of growing as women of Christ. But I’ve been hesitant to read it until now, and I can feel my heart closing its doors to many of the messages it tells. And after more reflection on how I view femininity (and how I see myself), I have some thoughts as to why these doors are closing. 

This might be repetitive from previous posts, but I don’t have the fondest association with the word “feminine.” I was taught from an early age that I could do anything I wanted to do, and that I could be anything I wanted to be. Mostly what I wanted to be was great. I had this longing in my heart to do something that would really change the world. I’ll be honest with you, most of my childhood heroes were involved with social justice. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Harriet Tubman, Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, to name a few. Nothing too exciting there. But it always struck me that when women were involved with great things, they were somehow displaced from the category of “feminine” and put into some sort of separate place. It was as if I was given a definition of most women, and then given a few exceptions.

Again, I’m making no claims that my schoolteachers were evil and built this construct in my head to poison me. I also don’t want to create a framework here of what makes one woman better than another. I’m merely stating that, right or wrong, somewhere along the way I had created these two distinct categories of “women” and “women who get shit done.” And the latter sounded much more appealing. So, obviously, this is the type of woman I aspired to be. 

I also quickly learned that, if you want to be this type of woman, you do not have time to wait for men to figure out how to lead you. So you put yourself in the take-charge position and you let others follow your lead. Not in a crazy dictator fashion (I know there are women and men out there who are like this), but in a way to make sure ends are achieved. 

I’m not going to get into a discussion here about whether these attributes are found in a Godly woman. 

I do want to point out that I have spent many years aspiring to be this type of woman, and that when I think about having these qualities, I think of having them as a person and not as a woman. This is important. I didn’t learn to distinguish my personal attributes from others based on my sex. I’ve never been a big fan of “Guys are better at ____” or “Women clearly have the upper hand in _____.” I think most things (most) can be trained to improvement, especially early in life, no matter who you are, and that your sex has minimal to no effect on how well or poorly you do something. 

And everything is relative.

But anyway.

Reading this book has completely challenged my perspective of who I am. The authors make claims of desires every woman has, and characteristics that every woman has (that men either don’t have or are not as strong at). They have me questioning my identity and if I have been mistaken in who I thought God had called me to be. 

I think the hardest thing for me is the insecure feeling this book is bringing back to me. I have worked for a long time to be comfortable with who I am and to not constantly wish I was different in multiple ways; most of my spiritual journey in college was spent learning how to love the way God made me. Now I’m reading this book that has me thinking I need to be different again, and that I did it all wrong. It’s extremely uncomfortable to have the validity of your entire person challenged after investing lots of time learning how to love that person.

It could be a good challenge. I don’t know. I’m not sure if I agree with many of the points in the book. And I’m having a rather hard time not shaming myself and my character traits based on what has been written. 

I know the authors didn’t intend to shame the audience and I know it’s the Enemy getting in my head and leading me to these doubts. Nevertheless, the weird feelings are there. So, we’ll see how the rest of the read goes. As for all you women out there who also feel uncomfortable reading it- you are not alone. And I don’t hesitate to say that I firmly believe God loves you no matter how you’re feeling when you read this book. I’m not saying it’s a terrible book and no one should read it. I’m saying, don’t get discouraged if you feel as if the book wasn’t written for you. It makes you no less of a woman, and no less of a child of God. 

For the men…I have never read Wild at Heart (the “male version” of Captivating) so I have 0 clues on how to address you all. Sorry dudes. Jesus loves you too.

Unexpected

I only have one more chapter left in Captivating, but I must break my initial condition of not commenting on the book before I finish it- again. I’ve done it at least once, if not twice (I don’t remember now). Just goes to show that God’s plan and my plan for things rarely line up.

In the chapter I read today, Stasi mentioned an exercise she did at a women’s retreat of seeking out lies she had believed throughout her life. This is something I have also done before so I wasn’t overly moved by it. Oops. Anyway, what caught my attention was that the women sought out to name these lies and their owners in the context of spiritual warfare.

I had never done that before.

Here, I will put my plug that I know little to nothing about spiritual warfare, and that the topic makes me (and many others, I’m sure) slightly, if not extremely, uncomfortable. I can’t say I have doubt about its existence, but I definitely don’t like to think about it because I’m not sure what to do about it. So I overlook it.

Today had to be different, though. Between reading this chapter in Captivating and listening to an album a friend referred to me called Dear Wormwood, both at the same time, I knew that God was trying to tell me something.

Ironic after I wrote the other day about how God speaks to us.

[Side note- the album Dear Wormwood is by the group The Oh Hellos. The songs are all inspired by C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters. I only started listening to them today, but you should check them out here: http://www.theohhellos.com/]

I’m going to just be straight and vulnerable with all of you about what I discovered today. It took about 30 seconds of meditation to uncover one of the biggest, most influential lies in my life. It is the lie that I am (and always have been) behind, and that I will never catch up to or attain what my peers have accomplished. I’m missing something they all have.

I had a rush of memories starting from kindergarten. Story time. First day of kindergarten, little Arianna shows up and sees a color by number at her desk. Excited (because what 6 year old doesn’t love coloring?), she starts filling in the white

Devastated. Rule-abiding Arianna has already messed up and it’s only the first day of school.

Now- this is the important part. The teacher comes by and corrects the boy, affirming what Arianna had been doing, yet she cannot shake the feeling that she is wrong and she is missing something crucial that the other kids have.

It seems like a funny story, and it probably is, but if I’m totally honest- even now, when I think back to that memory, I still experience this terrible feeling. Maybe I’m ridiculous. Maybe I’m broken. Other people would have moved past this.

What am I missing?

And the cycle continues.

Much of my life has been a continuous struggle to reach the impossibly high standards my perception has equated with my peers. It’s been a life of being hyperaware of what the people around me are doing, and making sure I am at least as good- and working really hard to cover up the fact that I am very clearly missing whatever everyone else has to make them better. It’s working hard to make it look like I have everything together, otherwise people will realize that I’m missing “what it takes.” And it’s a constant mental battle of seeing this flaw and convincing yourself to “get over it.”

I’m trying my best to describe this feeling in writing. Maybe you’ve felt it before. It’s the fear that you are not enough, mixed with the shame of trying to compare yourself to others when that isn’t Biblical and “just be happy with the way the Lord made you.”

It’s the idea that either something is missing, or something is wrong with me because I have the constant fear that I am missing something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve argued myself crazy trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel inadequate because God doesn’t make mistakes.

And it had never occurred to me that those ideas could be coming from something else, and were not the result of a defect in my character.

So…what does it take to seriously consider this possibility? And what does it mean to believe in spiritual warfare?

When I reflect on times that were the hardest for me to love myself, I realize that these unhealthy thoughts of “you don’t have it” led to literal internal battles where I was warring against myself. A soul divided, if you will. And is this not something that the Enemy of our loving God would want? To turn us against ourselves internally, so we fight and defeat ourselves?

It takes a lot of faith to believe this. Probably more faith than believing God exists. I’m not sure I have that level of faith yet. What I do know is that I felt something click inside of me when I thought of “my” lie in the context of spiritual warfare, and that for the first time in a long time, I felt my heart and mind united in God and in love.

I can’t quantify this. I didn’t see the Devil and get his picture. The Devil didn’t send me hate mail that I have piled up to show you. I have no proof. When you boil it down, it comes down to a hunch, or a feeling I had this morning.

I do have a record of my thought process over the past month where God has led me through an exploration of emotions and feelings, and where He has validated them to me in my life. And now here I am, realizing I am one of those crazy people whose testimony involves something beyond the explainable. I am one of those people whose stories make me uncomfortable when I hear them.

Not sure if I like that.

I don’t really have a conclusion here, except to say that this journey took a turn for the massively unexpected, and that if you decide I haven’t gone off the deep end and you keep reading my posts, be ready for more posts unpacking whatever happened during this one.

Doubts

Doing what God wants you to do can be the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes following the Spirit leads to moments where your heart feels ripped in two. It is in these moments of pain that doubt thrives. And to defeat it, we must press on unfailing towards the One who has promised us eternity.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” - Psalm 32:8

Part Two

And then you reach a point where you’re in the desert, wondering if this was all a big mistake, feeling abandoned and foolish and heartbroken. Questioning, I thought you were leading me to peace, Lord, and yet now it seems that the oasis you showed me before was really a mirage. Is this truly the way?

But God has lead you here, and although it seems futile, He knows where you are headed and will never truly abandon you. And if nothing else, you must believe because the other lifelines have vanished. But you believe because He has never forsaken you. And so here you must wait for Him to start leading you. But He won’t lead until you are ready to be led. And thus we are humbled.

Intermission

Guys- wow. Wow. It’s all I can really say.

I’ve spent the last two days trying to process through what God did during my last post- and I have barely made a dent. I received so many encouraging texts and words from people about what I had written- so many great things to think and pray about, and to read further. So many stories of other people relating to what I had written and affirming what God had taught me.

Before I wrote that post, I was extremely hesitant, and worried that it was completely off base and just wrong. Looking back now, God has clearly affirmed what I wrote and where I feel Him drawing me next on this journey. I couldn’t have felt more encouraged yesterday thinking about where to go next with my reading and writing.

It should have been no surprise, in light of all of this, that the Enemy wanted to fight back.

I don’t want to spend time complaining, but today was one of those days that provided strong evidence for Murphy’s Law. Almost everything that could have gone wrong in my normal schedule today did go wrong. I couldn’t have been more discouraged.

It felt as if the things fighting against me knew that they had been exposed, and decided to come out in full force. They knew my weaknesses and knew exactly how to fight me.

And it sucked. So. So. Much.

I’m not sure this is a battle I could have won even one month ago. I think it would have crushed me. But God is faithful. The community of people God has given me through this process has been an incredible that nothing we do is solo. Every post I have written has started conversations and opened doors to places I never thought I would see.

I made it through today. It won’t be the last battle fought. But God led me through this oe, and, thanks to many of you, I know that He will continue to lead me.

One final note- I had never truly realized how important of a topic spiritual warfare was, or how affected many of us have been by it. It is only through the grace and strength of God that I continue forward. I pray you all will keep contributing to the conversation and the learning.

Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my plea, the Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled; they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

Psalm 6:8-10 ESV

Taking a Risk

I don’t really want to write a political post. It doesn’t go along with the theme I had in mind for my blog, and I am not knowledgeable enough in the field to make claims and endorse candidates to other people. I feel uncomfortable now thinking about how I must include politics in this post. But there is something bearing down on my heart that cannot be silenced.

Part of the reason I don’t like to get involved in politics is because I think the process has become entirely absurd. I see little to no difference between these presidential campaigns and the campaigns I watched in high school for student council offices. In fact, I’d be willing to say that the student council campaigns are more professional, and more real.

I’m not sure what went wrong in our political process, but something is very, very wrong.

On a simple level, candidates don’t focus on the change they want to bring, and why they are addressing the relevant problems of our time. Yes, they mention them. Yes, it’s on their websites written very nicely. But whenever I listen to them speak, it is less about what they have to offer, and more about the mistakes of other candidates.

Now hear me out- I firmly believe that candidates running for such an influential office should be held accountable for inconsistencies in their actions and professed beliefs. I happen to also believe that someone running for this office should be able to convince the American public of their qualifications without acting like tattletales.

On an even more horrifying note, we now have a candidate that not only acts like a child with and about the other candidates, he very blatantly preaches, endorses, and encourages hate. While claiming to be a Christian. And while vying to run our country.

This should be extremely disconcerting. And yet, Trump STILL leads the GOP race.

I’m going to acknowledge my limited history knowledge and make a bold claim here. Has anything good ever happened when a political leader put down a group of people in order to gain popularity and power? Has anything good ever come from a leader who believes and claims that some people are better than others, and that they deserve better than others?

I really can’t think of anything. Peanut gallery? You got anything?

Let me phrase this another way. Has any major, man-caused disaster ever NOT been born from groups of people believing that they are superior to all others?

Still nothing? Me either.

[Perhaps there are exceptions. Like school shootings. Many of those seem motiveless. But the larger point is that there is a very, very apparent pattern to notice here.]

When we put ourselves above other people, what keeps those people from being expendable in our minds? Nothing. If we really, truly believe that our group is better than another, then we see those people only as pawns in the game of our own successes. And pawns can be replaced, sacrificed, given up without thought.

But we are not talking about pawns here- we are talking about people. And I have yet to be convinced that place of birth, a certain gene, hair color, or first language can cause one group to be better than another. I don’t believe it. It’s absolutely wrong.

As a Christian, I believe that God created all people equally. And not equally low, where we must fight each other to stand out. He created us equally great, equally wonderfully, and equally lovingly, that He might delight in us and that we might delight in the world He created for us. Equally. If you didn’t catch my drift.

I could be wrong. But the way I read the Gospels…

Jesus’ agenda wasn’t men.

It wasn’t women.

It wasn’t Jews.

It wasn’t Pharisees.

It wasn’t Gentiles.

It wasn’t Samaritans.

It wasn’t educated people.

It wasn’t people living in wealth.

It wasn’t people living in poverty.

It wasn’t power.

And it wasn’t violence.

Jesus’ agenda for His teachings was love. A love so deep, so pure, and so urgent that it walked willingly through suffering and death in order to fully express itself. For all of us. Equally.

And in this sacrifice is a call to action for us. Are we going to sit idly and let our neighbors be treated as less than human? I sure hope not. This election cycle has very clearly brought to light that there is a battle going on. A battle against mankind. I don’t care if you identify as Christian, or atheist, or anything in between. If you identify as human, this battle is yours to fight.

Maybe you think you can’t make a difference. And I agree- alone, you cannot make a difference, or at least much of one. But battles are never fought alone. And the worst thing we can do is claim indifference. Indifference is the poison of this battle against humanity. It tricks our minds to thinking it’s “not a big deal” and that “we can’t do anything anyway.” But this is a lie. We can do something. And there are a lot of somethings to do.

I think Trump is mistaken in what it means to be great. America was once seen as a place of freedom, of refuge, of safety, of hope. Of opportunity. Of open spaces and adventures. These things are what is truly great about America. Let’s not lose them.

Change

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. Especially today. There are a lot of things that are getting ready to change drastically in the next year of my life, and I have control over almost none of them.

The first thing that is going to change is my age. Like, next week. Big old 2-5. Eek. What is 25 going to look like? What do you do when you turn 25? Is 25 old? It sure feels old when you work with undergrads all day.

On top of that, I feel as if I’m entering 25 in crisis mode. I’m reading a book that is challenging everything I think about myself, and I’ve felt this overwhelming pressure to evaluate my life in the eyes of the Lord and then reevaluate how I am living. Is this the way I want to live? Do I want to be the same person at 25 as I was at 24? Do I want to change? How do you change yourself?

I’d like to trade in my birth year for a new one, please. A younger one.

Realistically, it all seems like too much for me to handle. It is definitely too much for me to handle on my own. But God gave me at least two messages today to remind me that He is with me and that while the changes may be necessary, they won’t be lonely.

[I just want to comment that I feel weird saying things like “God spoke to me” or “I got a message from the Lord.” I’m first in line among the skeptics when it comes believing others when they say God said something specific to them. But I am also first in line among the hypocritical because I have heard God speak specific things to me. So interpret the rest of this blog as you will.]

The first message I got was at church this morning. The reading was from 1 Corinthians 10, and verse 13 hit me the hardest.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Okay, God, I see you. As I think about where my life is going, it’s definitely tempting for me to take the easy way out on things. Yeah, maybe I need to address this situation, but it looks too hard. I’ll just wait. And do it later. Maybe. Or just continue to ignore it until it disappears.

The other sign I got from God was a song. And the reason I know this song was from God and not just next on the Christian radio playlist is because He has used it in my life before. (I’m pretty sure I wrote a blog about this song years ago.) The song is called “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust, and the opening lines go as follows:

I am not skilled to understand What God has willed what God Has planned I only know at his right hand Stands one who is my Savior

And the chorus:

My Savior loves My Savior lives My Savior’s always there for me My God he was My God he is My God he’s always gonna be

Every time I have heard this song on the radio (no, I’m not too cool for FM radio) I have felt waves of comfort and relief unexpectedly wash over me. Something in the simplicity of the words reminds me of what I believe to be true in my core. I don’t believe in a God who created me then let me go. I believe in a loving, living God who is with me every step of the way. And I believe that He walks with me when I don’t understand His plan, and that He does so NOT for a power trip, but to guide me down the best path.

I think we get very caught up in feeling like God is sending us orders. “I know God is telling me to do this;” “God has put this on my heart but I am afraid of what will happen;” “I don’t know if I can do what He is asking me.” What we forget is that God is not corporate America. He does not send us a task-oriented memo full of things He expects done by Tuesday. When we feel God “telling” us to do something, He is really saying, “Let’s do this together. I will help you. I know the way, if you would only trust me.”

Of course, the trust part is another story. But the first step is to recognize that God never sends us where He is absent. And if we look outward, at His strength, rather than inward at our own shortcomings, we can then begin to face the challenges set before us. Such as reevaluating what life at 25 should look like.

On Being Challenged

God continually floors me with the amount of support and conversations this blog brings me. I really can’t say it enough. Thank you for everyone who reads it and thank you for everyone who reaches out to me. [Obviously I can’t say it enough, as I mention it every other blog.]

I vowed to not write about or comment on Captivating until I have finished it. And I won’t. But I want to address the concept of getting challenged.

Culturally, societally, we view challenges as good and necessary things. Positive things, even, which lead to immense growth in the long run while seeking impossible and harmful in the short term. I know I often thrive on challenges. I pursued endurance sports to push myself and see how far my body could make it without breaking. I always attempted for the best grades- mediocre was never enough for me. I have to admit to you all, there’s a small (VERY small) part of me that is excited to take the MCAT just because it’s a huge academic challenge and I want to see how I do

A lot of people have a lot of wisdom about the growth that comes from facing challenges.

“I don’t run away from a challenge because I am afraid. Instead, I run towards it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your foot.” Nadia Comaneci

“Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” Chinese proverb

You get the picture- challenges are good, they make you grow. This is what we all believe.

Today, I found myself wondering if a challenge could actually bad, rather than this opportunity for growth I’ve been led to believe. Are all challenges good? Do they all lead to character and spiritual growth?

I honestly don’t know. I know that reading this book has forced me to view myself, my upbringing, and the world around me in an entirely different frame of mind, and that this is definitely one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but I can’t honestly say it’s a good challenge.

[Although realistically, can you say something is positively challenging until you’re reflecting on it post hoc? Maybe not. But if that’s the case, then every challenge would have to be positive, because negative ones would kill us and refuse our attempt at reflection. But this could be a discussion for another day.]

I suppose my biggest concern is that I can’t tell if my discomfort in this challenge stems from reasons grounded in truth, or grounded in pride. And I have this tendency of wanting to “figure it out” before taking it to God. But obviously, growth and learning won’t come from hiding in a box. So. Forward we move.

In Progress

I’m taking deep breaths and making myself finish this book, by the grace of God, before I comment on it further. It’s not easy. This is my prayer tonight.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gS9e0nxHP-w

Addendum

I had a lot to chew on after writing Tuesday’s post. And I think I should make some clarifications after talking with some people about it.

I no longer identify as a robot; I definitely went through a long period in middle and high school where I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t emote like other people. And now, as I reflect on what things that led me to be uncomfortable about “excessive” emotions, I started with a brief history of Ari. [Well, a brief history of Arianna; I didn’t go by Ari back then. Tooootally different person.]

I also think that as much as I felt left out while everyone around me was super emotive (i.e., screaming when the lights went out, or when there was a spider), it became an active choice on my part to stay sub-expressive. I adapted to staying fairly quiet when I did have things to say- especially in big groups. Of course, this interacted nicely with my slightly introverted shyness, so I had no real desire to bring attention to myself.

And, as much as I’ll admit that I’ve worked hard not to be a stereotypical, emotional woman, I don’t think I ever had a chance to be like many girls I grew up with. I come from a long, long line of strong, independent women who believe that getting the work done comes first, and no one will get in your way of success. Not necessarily at the expense of your emotional or spiritual well-being, but definitely not getting caught up with all things touchy-feely. So really, as I think about it, I worked to embody femininity as best was shown me. Turns out it just didn’t exactly line up with what I later learned in pop culture and literature.

Clearly biased by my upbringing, I definitely preferred this strong type of woman who doesn’t let emotions get in the way of getting the work done. So, we have that point.

And as I grew to embody and idealize this type of feminine, I identified less and less with the sort of stereotypical, “hysterical and hormonal” woman. Actually, that was my biggest fear- becoming like that. If I’m honest, I felt that it would hinder my reputation irreparably and I would not be taken seriously enough to achieve my goals. And this is not at all to say that all, or even most, women are like this; there are probably a small subset of women who are occasionally like this. But for some reason, once you are seen as hysterical, it’s with you forever. And I didn’t have time for that nonsense.

It took me a long time to learn and embrace that I was not “weird” in my femininity, and also to embrace that I was not “superior” in my femininity. I have this ego that definitely placed me above many other women in my head because I “had goals” and “didn’t act crazy.” I’ll admit it. We all tend to favor the characteristics with which we identify; if we don’t, then we are the ones who are lesser in our minds. So, after noticing this difference, I eventually decided that my way was better, even though it alienated me and I sometimes still wished to “be like those other girls.”

There was an episode in college where I unintentionally hurt one of my friends by talking about how I could never be a stay at home mom, and how I didn’t see how anyone could do it. It truly sounded terrible to me. Turns out a lot of strong, smart women also feel called to being stay at home moms in the future. It’s not just a reflection of passivity. Thank God for gracious friends. That memory has stayed with me for 4 years or so now, and it always reminds me that we are all created differently and with slightly different desires in our heart. While I feel called to a life where I will be in school forever, other women are called to a life where they are very successful for a few years, then settle down to raise a family. Neither is more or less feminine than the other. Which brings me to my final point.

I firmly believe that God created each of us a little differently than those around us. However, I think He created in us a capacity to love and a desire to be loved. And I’ve realized, as I read things written “for women,” what bothers me the most are the generalizing claims that people make about women (except for those two things). I don’t want to go further into this until I’ve finished the book I’m reading (Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge) because there’s still a lot of time for God to humble my heart and teach me truths. So if you made it all the way through this post, I ask that you’d pray for my journey through this book. The first 50 pages have been rough already. And if you’re a woman who’s tried and failed to read Captivating for similar reasons- I’d love for you to pick it up again and converse with me while you read it. I already know it will be impossible for me to read alone. I’ve been avoiding this book since it got published, then God led me straight to it this week. So. Time to let go of pride and hold onto God.

I’m going to end this before I start ranting about the color pink.

Scrambled

I spent all day writing a post that I decided to nix about 2 minutes ago. I felt that the topic needed more introduction and also more thought.

As I’ve gone deeper into my exploration of emotions, I realized that it isn’t just me being “science minded” that turns me away from touchy-feely things. It comes from an untrue and unhealthy conception of what it means to be “feminine.”

We can all agree that, generally speaking, “feminine” traits are seen as more emotional and feelings-based than “masculine” traits. You all already know that I’m not an overly emotional person. Turns out this goes hand in hand with me not being a very feminine person.

Now, this definitely needs more thought, exploration, and prayer. But what I can say is that a big part of my avoidance of “feelings” books is that I don’t want to read a book that tells me how I am an extremely emotional and fragile being, or that I need to feel beautiful to succeed. Or something. I hesitate to open books that are directed specifically at women because I’m afraid it will be everything I don’t want to hear.

I’ve never identified as being very feminine; I don’t have my ears pierced, I don’t know what fashion is, and I don’t cry very easily. For me, feminine is something that I am not, and because “emotional” is part of “feminine,” emotional is another word that does not describe me. Frankly, I’m sick of reading or hearing people talk about how women, as a whole, are much more tender and emotionally needy than men. It makes me feel like an imposter. I’m not a woman who feels extensively and I am not a man; what does this make me?

A robot, probably.

For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t cry as easily as other girls, or because I didn’t get as excited about things as other girls did. I remember when a friend of mine moved away in middle school- we had a going away party for her, and all the other girls were crying at the end of the night. I literally had to force myself to cry so I wouldn’t look completely heartless. In reality, I didn’t see the problem because people move away and that is a fact of life. I had already changed schools about 4 times by that point in my life.

Once a robot, always a robot, I suppose.

Anyway, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve made more of a conscious decision to not get emotional about things, and a lot of it has to do with being a woman. I don’t know what it’s like to be a man, so I can’t speak to that. I do know that I have felt certain pressures to “have it all together” and to “not get overwhelmed” at work, and that these pressures stem from a desire to be taken seriously in the professional realm. Being emotional has a certain negative connotation that I don’t want associated with me as I go through the academic world. We’ve created this sense that being emotional means you cannot be clear-headed or logical; we believe that the two are mutually exclusive. This is obviously incorrect, and is the lie that brings me here today.

I can’t say I’m not skeptical as I skim the books I have ready to read on these subjects. I don’t have a lot of faith in something that is only written to apply to women. But that’s where the grace and patience of God comes in. And boy am I going to need it this week.

I just really love science

When I first decided that I would pursue learning about what God says about emotions, I thought it would be a breeze. I’m a researcher; I know how to spend hours skimming articles and books looking for one that has what I need. Then I read it, learn it, and write about it. Wait for it to get accepted by my peers. Done.

Oh, if only.

In my reading over the past few weeks, I found myself hard pressed to find a book about the role of emotions in faith. And I realized it’s partially because I’m extremely biased in how I search for books. Most of the books I read are written by people with a high level of education, and I am extremely drawn to those who write on an academic level akin to the scholarly articles I read in my field. One of my favorite books on religion was Francis Collins’ The Language of God, probably because he tied in a lot of molecular biology into his arguments. That language was right on my level.

Although I set out to find books on emotion, I found myself reading The Faith of a Physicist written by (surprise!) physicist J. C. Polkinghorne.

Turns out it’s really hard to think out of the box.

The emotional aspect of faith is the one that is hardest to defend, and it’s the hardest one for me to accept. I think I have a very strong “head knowledge” of God and definitely have a larger inclination for growing that head knowledge rather than the “heart knowledge.”

We Christians speak a lot about “head knowledge” and “heart knowledge” of the Gospel; we all “agree” that we “need both” but we are “definitely better at _____” so “oh well,” we will “keep praying about it.” Yes sure okay great. The problem is, when we divide these things into different knowledges, we automatically categorize them. For example, I think that head knowledge is more important because the more you know, the easier it is to believe.

I also think that many of you would argue that with perfectly valid counterpoints.

To me, this signifies that I need to make a serious mental shift. My pursuance to increase my head knowledge has left me mentally invalidating the importance of heart knowledge. Obviously, this is ill-advised as it leaves me completely ignoring aspects of God that are extremely important.

I’m not sure where you are in your walk between head and heart knowledge, but I want to take the time to challenge you to think outside your box. For me, this means the next book I read won’t be one written by a scientist. It will be one that tries to get me in touch with my emotions. And it’s going to suuuuck.

Okay, it probably won’t suck. Most likely it’ll be really great. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy to read.

That being said, if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

All Dried Up

I had a lot of conversations this weekend and to be honest, I am all out of words. It needs to be a night of reflection and prayer.

I know you guys are heartbroken because this is the best thing you read every day, so I will leave you with a song that has been in the back of my mind as I’ve written the past few blogs about community.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9txMrr3tpc

Seriously, please listen; it’s beautiful. You won’t regret it.

Outsourcing

I had originally vowed I would not do this, but the timing was too perfect for this not to be God-sent.

This morning, right after I got to work, a friend of mine sent me a link to a blog post entitled “A Surprising Way to Discover the Secret of Who You Are” by Al Andrews. I won’t lie to you- I am often skeptical of blogs written by people I’ve never heard of, so I was hesitant to open my heart to the piece; the only thing really pushing me forward was my trust in the person who sent it to me. And that trust did not fail me today.

I’ll refrain from giving you a summary of a blog post you can read on your own in 5 minutes. Actually I recommend that you just go read it and leave my blog behind; this is the link: http://storylineblog.com/2016/02/19/who-you-are/

Andrews uses one quote that particularly struck a chord with me, especially in light of everything I’ve been thinking, praying, and writing about over the past month or so: “Laughing we forget those who cannot laugh, but weeping we make a communion.”

[For citation purposes, this quote was taken from John Bate; however, I don’t know what it was originally in, despite my thorough internet search.]

“Laughing we forget those who cannot laugh, but weeping we make a communion.”

What a bold claim.

Laughter is all encompassing, isn’t it? What does he mean, “we forget those who cannot laugh?” Laughter is the surest way to welcome someone. Isn’t it?

I definitely thought so. Laughter and happiness are the preferable social conditions, while tears and sadness are much less than comfortable.

But maybe this John Bate guy has a point. Laughter may be attractive and successful at bringing people together, but tears inspire a necessary empathy that truly forms and strengthens a relationship. You can have all of the fun times in the world with a person, but once you have seen them cry (or you have cried in front of them), you connect with them on such a deeper level than was possible before, for all of the reasons I’ve already written. And probably many more.

What a beautiful phenomenon.

I’m going to cut myself off here and suggest again that you read this other blog. Here’s the link again so you don’t have to scroll through the text and find it: http://storylineblog.com/2016/02/19/who-you-are/

Ramblings of a crazy person

Day 9 of 40. Blogging every day is turning out to be slightly more difficult than anticipated. But this is where I must place all trust in the Lord to speak through my words even though all I want to do is post a video I watched a few days ago and call it good.

It seems odd. There’s nothing wrong with posting a video instead of writing; in fact, some would say it’s preferable than forcing words to come out. Yet, I know it’s wrong, because I can feel it. I feel words inside of me that God wants to use, and I’ve felt this unquenchable desire to write even though I don’t always know what will be written. But here I am, in front of my computer, all because of a feeling I had, an emotional pull I felt to be here rather than doing any number of things I need to get done.

It’s this emotional pull that led me to restart my blog, and it led me to the topic of emotions (ironically enough). It is also one of the things that gives me the most trouble in my faith journey.

While I believe that emotions can be good and are a big part of the characters God created us to be, I still find myself opting for logic over emotion. Especially in my faith. When people speak of the Spirit “leading them” to do something, and how they knew because they “felt it,” I can’t help but feel skeptical. This may be a manifestation of my natural inclination to not trust people, but whatever the case, I have skepticism. Which is definitely hypocritical of me because I have also felt those things and have made several decisions throughout my life based on these feelings. So I pose the question: why do I still have this skepticism, despite the fact that I have also had the experience? Why is it still difficult for me to fully trust that God moves in this way when He has moved me the same way? If I’m honest with myself, that is what is truly illogical.

I think when it comes to faith, and especially religion-based faith, it is culturally unacceptable to value something so highly purely because you “feel” it. It is in our nature to be curious, and humans demand an explanation with clear proof and visible evidence. Obviously it’s all but impossible for us to empirically prove to someone else that what we felt to be true is actually true. That bothers me a lot. I value my career in science; I love the ability to pick a question, and set up experiments that can empirically test and support hypotheses we have about the world. I have a certain amount of faith in other researchers when they tell me that this phenomenon is true or that theory is all but proven and so is widely accepted; I trust them because I know that if they were wrong, we’d be able to see it.

I have spent the last 5 years or so training myself to defend myself based on research and peer reviewed articles. I have convinced myself that anything less is unacceptable. And now God has asked me, “Are you sure?” I can’t think of a bad experience that happened out of a decision based on a God-driven feeling. Yet, there’s still something inside of me that won’t completely let go and trust fully in God without more proof. I’ve searched for this in books, sermons, conversations, Scripture, podcasts…I can’t find the piece of evidence I need to allow me to overcome this barrier.

But when I really think about it, the missing piece seems obvious- it’s the emotional part of my faith that solidifies it. I, for the most part, think I have the “head knowledge” part of my faith pretty well established. I don’t trust things that don’t make sense to me (like physics or ice fishing) so I have made it a rather large part of my faith journey to read as much as I can about this Jesus fellow and why I should believe his story. But sometimes I get too caught up in increasing my “head knowledge” and do not try to increase my “heart knowledge” of the Lord. I think I discount it because “I felt Him speak to me that one time” and I count that as “having an important emotional experience.” Check.

Maybe you’re like me and only spend your time reading books and avoiding emotional conversations about the Lord. Maybe you’re the opposite- you rely heavily on your emotional encounters with the Spirit but you avoid intellectual books like the plague. Most likely you’re somewhere in the middle. I don’t have a real point to this except that when I reflect on my spiritual journey over the past few years, the times I have felt most complete and most connected to God was when I was investing in both logical and emotional knowledge of Him. I often long for those moments, wishing they were longer and more frequent. But it will never happen until I allow myself to be humbled to my God-given emotions.

I pray that you, too, find a full-bodied relationship with the Lord that balances logical beliefs and emotional faith.

Transition state

One of my main goals for this emotional journey of mine was (and still is) discovering what the Bible and the Church teaches about the intersection between emotion and reason. This is a big question, and not one to which I will likely ever find the answer. Nonetheless, it is a question that lays heavy on my heart.

We often walk around in this gray area between emotion and reason. We discuss how faith by definition cannot be based solely on logic, yet we argue that our faith is not illogical. We agree that emotions are an irreplaceable part of the human experience, and can be an important way to hear God speaking to us; however, we must not let our emotions rule us.

Have logic, but not only logic. Have emotions, but not too many of them. Stay in the gray.

So now that we’ve all agreed that this gray area is where we need to live…where is it? And what does it look like? I’m picturing fog, I’m not sure what you’re seeing. To me, defining how we live our lives based on fog seems…vague. Frustrating. Impossible. Wrong.

I don’t like the gray.

But now that we’re in the gray, let’s do a little remodeling.

It seems to me that we have a great model of how to walk in the balance between emotion and logic, and that model is found in (surprise!) the life of Jesus.

This is not to say that there haven’t been other good models of how to live this way. But to me, Jesus is the best example, because for Him, this intersection of emotions and reason occurs at the heart of His faith. He does not walk around preaching like a robot, and He does not let fear or frustration rule His actions. During His years of teaching, we see Him outwit Pharisees with logic, and we see Him weep for friends lost, yet neither of these characteristics are what defines Him. He does not rely on one or the other to live His life; He has faith that the Father will provide Him with both logic and emotion, and will give Him the ability to use both gracefully.

Now, I am not a theologian, and I do not plan on picking apart the Scriptures for you here tonight. I also have minimal to no plans of searching the entire Bible for verses where God tells us when to use logic versus when to use emotion. I do know that the Scriptures tell the story of a man for whom everything comes second to His faith. And it seems to me that herein lies one of the greatest distractions by which we’ve all been duped.

I’m sure you have felt the same tug-of-war between emotion and reason as I have; many have felt it, and many have addressed it. It has been an underlying theme of the human story for centuries- emotions lead you astray, logic destroys your humanity. Emotions make you hysterical, logic (ironically) clouds your vision of reality. But I would like to propose that we are called in a completely different direction- one where we look upward, with faith, and allow both logic and emotion to follow hand in hand. The two were not meant to fight each other, the way we have decided they do. They were created to balance each other, to fill gaps where the other is lacking until the day they can truly live in perfect harmony- when we are realigned and reunited with Christ.

[More to come on this faith-logic-emotion thing. It’s not easy to pinpoint.]

Something Borrowed

Part of my exploration of feelings and emotions has involved reading the book If You Feel Too Much. The book was written by Jamie Tworkowski, the man who founded the nonprofit To Write Love On Her Arms. I don’t know much about the organization except that they work with suicide and addiction awareness and prevention.

Every time I turned on the book (I read it on a Nook) I would think “this quote is so great! I need to use it in my blog.” The problem is, the book is about 150 pages long and I did this at least every other page. Now I have a thousand quotes and no idea what to write. The author, Jamie, does such an amazing job weaving emotions into words and telling these beautiful, heartfelt stories; I’m tempted to tell you to forget about me for the next week and just read his book (you should).

I can’t say that I specifically learned or felt anything profound while I read the book or even after I finished it. What did strike me was his ability to open up through his book and not shy away from feelings he really felt in certain situations- when friends died, during hard conversations, when he first met a special girl. Reflecting on this, I’m really surprised that I finished the entire book; normally if a stranger opened up to me about all of this, I would give them the deer in headlights look and then back away slowly. But is book was so deeply rooted in empathy and so beautifully written that.

I don’t know what magical word potion he drank to embed empathy into written text. I do know that he has given me a lot to think and pray about.

I will give you one quote from the book. He poses the following questions:

Much is mystery but God asks us to love, not just when it’s easy and not just when a certain Scripture hits. What does it look like to love someone who lives in a place you’ve never been? When there are no words? Or what about allowing someone to love you when you feel completely alone, like no one can relate?

If I can be so bold as to answer these questions, I think that this kind of love that Jamie describes is best seen at the cross. Jesus gave himself humbly for us, and in return we give ourselves humbly to Him and to others. Love is a choice we make. We choose to sit next to someone while they mourn a loss, and we choose to listen when someone needs to clear their head. We choose to stay when it’s hard to watch them cry, and we choose to stay silent and let them finish their thoughts. Love is a lifestyle, and it is the anchor for the next leg of my exploration into this emotional realm.

I think these last few posts have well established my belief that emotions are intentional details in God’s creation and that He never intended for us to experience them alone. Now that this groundwork has been laid, my plan [God-willing] for the next leg of my journey is to explore what the Church and what Scripture teaches about emotions and feelings. I’m not really sure where we’ll end up, but God has already opened doors and pointed me in the direction He wants this to go. My only job is to not get in the way of what He is trying to say.

Good night friends

Another Angle

I got a lot of wonderful, positive response to yesterday’s post. And I must admit, it brought me a lot of joy to hear people say they could relate to my post and also to have people continue the conversation with me. When I restarted this blog, I was hesitant to trust that God had a plan for it. There was a large part of me that was reluctant to add more words to the chaos of the Internet. Nothing I am saying is particularly revelatory or original; there are entire books written about these topics by people much more knowledgeable than me.

Writing yesterday’s post opened a door in my heart that cannot be shut. God’s affirmation of my blog through appreciative texts and constructive comments was so encouraging and I cannot express how grateful I am that people allowed God to speak through them to me.

I want to address one of the points someone brought up to me after reading my post. Regarding how people respond to sadness, this person commented that people’s discomfort does not always stem from a desire for the sad person to “get over it,” but is sometimes rooted in an inability to take away the pain of someone you love. I admit I didn’t address this point; frankly, it didn’t even come to mind.

[Aside: this is one of the great things I believe God is doing through this blog- He is starting conversations, and I can be more than just a weirdo who sits behind her computer dropping wisdom bombs on people and then feeling proud of what I’ve done. God did not make room for me to bring my throne.]

I think this is an extremely important point, and one that I’ve been meditating on all day. It is really hard for us as humans to just stand by and watch other people be sad. We want to help them, we want to heal them, we want to fix them. And this is a normal, valid response to have when we see our loved ones in pain. However, I don’t think it’s the response our loved ones always need. There are times when people just need to feel upset, or angry, or frustrated; we need to ride out the emotion, if you will, until it tires out.

When we are the ones watching our friends or family experience the pain, it can be hard to not try and fix the situation for them. This is where we, as a community, must allow ourselves to be humbled and realize that we cannot be the ones to fix our friends. That role is reserved for God. All we can do is meet our loved ones where they are at, then grieve and pray with them. It’s infuriating to think that we do not have the answer, or that we lack the ability to make someone feel better; isn’t providing comfort one of the fundamentals of relationships? But what is more loving than truly being with the person and feeling their pain with them, rather than busying ourselves with “finding the answer?”

I am definitely guilty of this. I do not enjoy seeing a problem without trying to solve it. Perhaps, though, this is where our error begins- seeing this sadness as a problem to solve. It is not a problem, it is a transient state of mind, and it too will pass. It’s uncomfortable, and it’s messy, but it’s not broken. The hardest thing to do when someone is in pain is nothing. But when we humble ourselves to empathy, we open our hearts and words for God to use as comfort and encouragement; and this, my friends, is where the true healing is found.

My Sunday Affirmation

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is the fact that it is okay to be emotional. This may not be the revelation you were expecting, but it’s the one I’ve been struggling to see.

It’s very easy to tell other people that feeling emotions are normal and acceptable, but I don’t think that we encourage this as much as we think. In my experience, it is much more “okay” to be happy than it is to be sad. [I’ll keep this simple and only use these two emotions.] When we tell people that it’s okay to be emotional, many times what we really mean is that “it’s ok to feel sad for a minute, but then you need to make the choice to be happy and I don’t understand why you can’t get over that.”

Sometimes we just need to be sad. And that makes other people uncomfortable.

This was a hard thing for me to grasp until I reached a season in my life where I did not default to “happy-go-lucky.” Many of my friends are very chatty, open, and mostly cheerful people, so I often feel a pressure (unwarranted as it may be) to meet them there and be equally cheerful. I don’t want to be the person who kills the mood. That’s what Sam Smith music is for, right? Additionally, I don’t like to be in the center of attention, and being the one sad person in a room of cheerful people is bound to shift the focus of the group. No, thank you, I would rather bottle it up and then deal with it later when there’s no one there to see me.

There are two problems with this logic (that I will address).

First, God created us to have emotions, and to have a spectrum of emotions. I would venture to say very few people believe that sadness is a sin. While I don’t necessarily believe in a God that inflicts situations on us to make us sad, I think it’s a legitimate emotion He uses to bring us closer to Him and the people around us. It’s also a very humbling emotion. No one looks good sad. No one looks good crying (okay, there are probably a few people who look great no matter what). The point is that when we open up about emotions other than joy, it leads to moments that forge strong, meaningful relationships.

[Aside: joy can also do this. But we know that already.]

This brings me to the second problem: we were never meant to do this alone. These moments humble us to completely rely on others, rather than ourselves, for love and comfort. I think what is off-putting for a lot of us is that we can’t be certain that other people will come through for us. We’ve all been hurt by people who didn’t have time to listen to us. This is where we are forced to trust that God is good and will provide that community. If I can take a moment to psychoanalyze myself (bear with me), I can think of several times in the past year that I have been put in situations where someone I thought I could trust did not come through for me emotionally. This accumulated to weeks and months of self-doubt and self-loathing, asking myself “why are you like this?” and “why can’t you be happy?” and “what’s wrong with you?” Questions like these lead to dark spirals of insanity where it seems that the only answer is that you are worthless, loathsome, and unwanted.

If you are asking yourself questions like this, and driving yourself crazy trying to ignore feelings that can no longer be ignored, I pray that you don’t try to go through it alone. You don’t have to, and you’re not meant to. I cannot emphasize enough that you are not weird, wrong, broken, shameful, or unloveable if you “can’t get yourself together.” It’s taken me so, so long to discover this and to hear God telling me “I love you no matter what.” God loves all of us whether we’re at our most joyful or our most despicable. His love is not one that can be enhanced by smiles nor deterred by tears.

My point: don’t ignore emotions you feel. Every emotion is a legitimate emotion and has its place. We all learned in middle school health class that bottling up your feelings is unhealthy for you, so I’m not going to give you a lecture on how to deal with them. I want you to know that you are no less of a person for feeling sad, or stressed, or frustrated, while everyone around you seems overflowing with joy. You are not at all less lovable or worthy for feeling sadness. God will provide you a community with listening ears and encouraging words no matter where you are in life.

Saturday Night Break

I’m still in the thinking process about emotions. But today I got a gift from God through this song by Francesca Battistelli. I think it’s all of the affirmation one could want in a song. So I’m going to let her take it from here.

“If We’re Honest”

Truth is harder than a lie The dark seems safer than the light And everyone has a heart that loves to hide I’m a mess and so are you We’ve built walls nobody can get through Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

[Chorus:] Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine ‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides And mercy’s waiting on the other side If we’re honest If we’re honest

Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not Living life afraid of getting caught There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

[Chorus]

It would change our lives It would set us free It’s what we need to be

I promise tomorrow will have more substance. But today is a “meditate on this song” kind of day.

Let’s talk about feeeeeelings

I’ve been thinking about emotions a lot over the past week or so. It’s been on my heart to write about it, but it’s such a massive topic that there is no way for me to get the job done in one blog post. I’m not even entirely sure what I am going to write about them. But, for the 2 of you that read this regularly, be prepared for a long journey into the scary, messy realm of emotions.

For those of you that don’t know me, I’m not a very emotional person. And by that, I mean to say that I am not a very expressive person. More often than not, emotions make me feel really uncomfortable; they overwhelm me to the point where it seems like there is a train passing through my head and I cannot hear myself think. [This then adds to my discomfort as I value my ability to think above most things in the world.] I’m not sure when I successfully learned to be a robot, but at this point in my robocareer, I have all but lost touch with how to express emotions to people (with a small number of exceptions; I’m not 100% robot. Yet.).

At some point in my life, I learned that people don’t want you to be emotional. I don’t know why I learned it, or where, or even if it’s true; all I know is that I learned it, and then proceeded to build a wall behind which to hide whenever things became too emotional. I’m not entirely sure what it means to “literally jump for joy,” and I’ve never mastered the art of crying when I hear some bad news. [I suppose you could say I am “stoic,” if that can apply to women as well as men.]

Now that I’ve (hopefully) given you a little insight into my head, I can tell you why I feel called to write this all out. I don’t think I am alone in the struggle to “figure out” how to be emotionally healthy. Writing this blog is my way of holding myself accountable. And the spark I feel to write a blog is God’s way of telling me that this is important. Even if no one ever reads my blog, I know that God will meet me here through the writing process to teach me what I need to hear.

I mentioned in my last post that I have been attempting to compartmentalize (and therefore distance myself from) God in my day to day life. I have also mentioned that my Lenten promise this year is to live more openly and boldly in my faith. Well, today it hit me that I cannot do that if I am blocking out any feelings I have. So, for the next few posts (at least), I will be making an introspective journey into what it means to be emotional, when it is “acceptable” to be emotional, and what that has to do with my faith. This is going to be uncomfortable for me, so I don’t blame you if you jump ship now. My prayer is that God will bring us through the discomfort and show us how to live more fully and openly, with our emotions intact. And if you consider yourself an emotionally healthy person, great. I am open to any advice or thought-provoking comments you have. If that’s something you can do on Tumblr (honestly, I’m still figuring out how to use this. Yes, I am a poser).

I pray you all feel loved as we head out of the work week and into the weekend.

I walked around all day with ashes on my face and did not die of embarrassment

I’m not sure I even need to expand that further. It’s pretty self-explanatory. But I suppose I should explain why it’s worth sharing, despite the obnoxious “Buzzfeed-esque” title.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to really enjoy the season of Lent. Not necessarily the part where I don’t drink coffee for 40 days, but the idea of making sacrifices in honor of something much bigger than yourself- that’s really beautiful to me. And the Lenten season is a small time for us normal, non-heroes/heroines to step into that sacrificial role. For me, yesterday was a day full of sacrificing this image I’ve created for myself in the academic world, in exchange for one of those “crazy Christians-” through the wearing of ashes received at morning Mass.

I won’t lie to you: it sucked. A lot. I’d forget about the ashes for about 3 minutes before I ran into someone else in the hallway. Oh, the weird looks. I think I scared my boss (he had no idea what it was). My other boss has now labeled me as “Catholic.” They both probably initially thought I hadn’t showered that morning. In a world where it is much easier to leave religion at home with the rest of the illogical realm, I made the decision to bring my faith with me to work.

I can’t say I don’t regret it yet.

At one point yesterday, I was in the bathroom, ready to wash my face and hide the single most important aspect of my being- my faith. I stared at that sink, knowing how much relief it would bring to just wash it all off and not have it haunt me the rest of the day. [It’s strange how such a small mark can make such a large impact.] It really took more strength than I have to stop myself. But then I very clearly heard the words “bear the cross” in my mind, with the image of Simon, bearing the cross for Jesus on His way to the crucifixion. And it struck me how willingly I was to take the easy way out. How appealing it seemed to deny the Lord, rather than standing firm in what I believe. And how that’s really what it would be- denial of God- for me to wash off those ashes. Such a small mark, but such a large weight.

I want to clarify that in no way do I believe my wearing ashes on my head is at all comparable to carrying a heavy wooden cross in the desert towards death. It’s not. But herein lies the beauty of it all- that Jesus did bear the cross, to spare you and me from its weight. And He did this despite knowing that I would one day look in the mirror and contemplate hiding my love for Him out of embarrassment.

I don’t know what it looks like for you to bear the cross, but for me it lies heavily in how others perceive me. I don’t really want to tell people I am Christian; I fear people in the science world will write me off as crazy, that I am not really committed to the field, that I must reject the theory of evolution because I believe in God [spoiler alert: they are not exclusive beliefs]. As I’ve mentioned before, I had a really nice system in place where God and work did not mix. I had God time and I had work time. Then, all of a sudden, the two met- making one of my biggest fears into reality. And it didn’t kill me, like I thought it would. Thanks to the grace of Jesus.

Living Boldly

Today is Ash Wednesday in the Liturgical Calendar, signifying the beginning of the Lenten season. For most of us, this means we begrudgingly abstain from chocolate or Facebook for 40 days then binge on Easter Sunday.

Yes, that sounds right.

But what if we were bolder than that? This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot recently. What if our Lent was more than just not doing something- what if we use Lent to actually DO something?

Something that has been on my heart the past few months is how closed off I have been regarding my faith lately. For the past year or so, my faith has been contained to Sunday mornings (when I can make it), and whenever I have a chance to sit down and read something before work. But God, in true Godly fashion, will not be contained by my little box. He is not content with the convenient time blocks I have given him. And He is ready to burst out, taking me with Him. [How fitting that this all culminates at the beginning of Lent. Or something.]

I’m absolutely terrified about what will happen in my life over the next 40 days. If I am completely honest, I’d rather keep on trucking my way and not have anything change. But God won’t let me do that. He is ready to burst from my heart and be shared with the world. And so here I am, restarting a blog I have all but forgotten about. Not that my specific words are going to make any difference, but they can’t stay in my head anymore- God demands that they be shared, for one reason or another.

Anyway, all this to say that my Lenten promise is to live boldly and to stop denying my faith in my everyday actions. And because I am a writer at heart, one of the ways I will be living out the promise is writing in a blog that is open for people to read. I don’t have a theme in mind other than I’ll be writing about my journey of living openly in and with my faith. So…here goes nothing.

Moses’ words in this passage sums up my current feelings/doubts, and the Lord’s response is what (I hope) the Lord is saying to me in this time:

“But Moses said to the Lord, ‘Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and tongue.’ Then the Lord said to him, ‘Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.’”