A few years ago, I committed to myself that I would write every day during the Lenten season. Looking back on it, it wasn’t necessarily the happiest time in my life, but it was the closest I have ever felt to a spiritual being and a spiritual community. This isn’t really surprising- I was reading a lot of books and other blog posts, listening to song suggestions from friends, and engaging in discussions about my writing with people a few times a week. It would be pretty hard not to feel close to and immersed in spirituality and religion. The past three years since that Lenten blog blast have been me mostly in a state of waiting. I keep waiting and waiting for things to happen. Sometimes there are actions I can take to feel like I am moving forward- for example, I did move across the country and I found a new job. But for many areas in my life right now, I feel stagnant and impatient. And a little lost. There are parts of me that are angry at the universe or God or however you want to address the things, but parts of me are just frustrated with myself. Maybe I’m being unfair. But I also know I am being lazy. I’m not seeking out engagement, I’m passively awaiting it- which is paradoxical and potentially idiotic on my part. There are things that I want- meaningful conversations, growth, the like- that I have not been working for. I can’t be upset that these things are not part of my life when I am taking no measurable steps to seek them. And the first step for me is to be honest with myself. So here I am. Returning to this blog is a big personal step because it feels really confrontational to myself. It is my way of holding myself accountable in my journey and search for growth. If you choose to follow along this time around, bless your heart, because I have no idea what I am doing. I know the first few posts are going to be scatterbrained and probably directionless as I sift through my own personal bullshit and get real with myself. But I also know the last time I did this, I learned so much about both myself and life in the process. I had a literature professor in college who told me that I should learn something from each essay I wrote. I didn’t understand her very well at the time, but it’s a thought I have considered for several years and that has dramatically shaped my writing style (scientific writing excluded). This is a relevant, nonrandom anecdote because I am vowing to myself to write every day during Lent, and am hoping to learn something from each day’s writing. I have a few books lined up that I plan to read during the next forty days, so I’m sure some things I write will be inspired by those, but I honestly have no plan, no road map, and no direction. I don’t even have a cute picture to make these 2019 Lent-related posts cohesive. I’m diving in and there may be rocks on the bottom, but that’s a risk I need to take right now.