I’ve been thinking about emotions a lot over the past week or so. It’s been on my heart to write about it, but it’s such a massive topic that there is no way for me to get the job done in one blog post. I’m not even entirely sure what I am going to write about them. But, for the 2 of you that read this regularly, be prepared for a long journey into the scary, messy realm of emotions.
For those of you that don’t know me, I’m not a very emotional person. And by that, I mean to say that I am not a very expressive person. More often than not, emotions make me feel really uncomfortable; they overwhelm me to the point where it seems like there is a train passing through my head and I cannot hear myself think. [This then adds to my discomfort as I value my ability to think above most things in the world.] I’m not sure when I successfully learned to be a robot, but at this point in my robocareer, I have all but lost touch with how to express emotions to people (with a small number of exceptions; I’m not 100% robot. Yet.).
At some point in my life, I learned that people don’t want you to be emotional. I don’t know why I learned it, or where, or even if it’s true; all I know is that I learned it, and then proceeded to build a wall behind which to hide whenever things became too emotional. I’m not entirely sure what it means to “literally jump for joy,” and I’ve never mastered the art of crying when I hear some bad news. [I suppose you could say I am “stoic,” if that can apply to women as well as men.]
Now that I’ve (hopefully) given you a little insight into my head, I can tell you why I feel called to write this all out. I don’t think I am alone in the struggle to “figure out” how to be emotionally healthy. Writing this blog is my way of holding myself accountable. And the spark I feel to write a blog is God’s way of telling me that this is important. Even if no one ever reads my blog, I know that God will meet me here through the writing process to teach me what I need to hear.
I mentioned in my last post that I have been attempting to compartmentalize (and therefore distance myself from) God in my day to day life. I have also mentioned that my Lenten promise this year is to live more openly and boldly in my faith. Well, today it hit me that I cannot do that if I am blocking out any feelings I have. So, for the next few posts (at least), I will be making an introspective journey into what it means to be emotional, when it is “acceptable” to be emotional, and what that has to do with my faith. This is going to be uncomfortable for me, so I don’t blame you if you jump ship now. My prayer is that God will bring us through the discomfort and show us how to live more fully and openly, with our emotions intact. And if you consider yourself an emotionally healthy person, great. I am open to any advice or thought-provoking comments you have. If that’s something you can do on Tumblr (honestly, I’m still figuring out how to use this. Yes, I am a poser).
I pray you all feel loved as we head out of the work week and into the weekend.