I’m not sure I even need to expand that further. It’s pretty self-explanatory. But I suppose I should explain why it’s worth sharing, despite the obnoxious “Buzzfeed-esque” title.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to really enjoy the season of Lent. Not necessarily the part where I don’t drink coffee for 40 days, but the idea of making sacrifices in honor of something much bigger than yourself- that’s really beautiful to me. And the Lenten season is a small time for us normal, non-heroes/heroines to step into that sacrificial role. For me, yesterday was a day full of sacrificing this image I’ve created for myself in the academic world, in exchange for one of those “crazy Christians-” through the wearing of ashes received at morning Mass.
I won’t lie to you: it sucked. A lot. I’d forget about the ashes for about 3 minutes before I ran into someone else in the hallway. Oh, the weird looks. I think I scared my boss (he had no idea what it was). My other boss has now labeled me as “Catholic.” They both probably initially thought I hadn’t showered that morning. In a world where it is much easier to leave religion at home with the rest of the illogical realm, I made the decision to bring my faith with me to work.
I can’t say I don’t regret it yet.
At one point yesterday, I was in the bathroom, ready to wash my face and hide the single most important aspect of my being- my faith. I stared at that sink, knowing how much relief it would bring to just wash it all off and not have it haunt me the rest of the day. [It’s strange how such a small mark can make such a large impact.] It really took more strength than I have to stop myself. But then I very clearly heard the words “bear the cross” in my mind, with the image of Simon, bearing the cross for Jesus on His way to the crucifixion. And it struck me how willingly I was to take the easy way out. How appealing it seemed to deny the Lord, rather than standing firm in what I believe. And how that’s really what it would be- denial of God- for me to wash off those ashes. Such a small mark, but such a large weight.
I want to clarify that in no way do I believe my wearing ashes on my head is at all comparable to carrying a heavy wooden cross in the desert towards death. It’s not. But herein lies the beauty of it all- that Jesus did bear the cross, to spare you and me from its weight. And He did this despite knowing that I would one day look in the mirror and contemplate hiding my love for Him out of embarrassment.
I don’t know what it looks like for you to bear the cross, but for me it lies heavily in how others perceive me. I don’t really want to tell people I am Christian; I fear people in the science world will write me off as crazy, that I am not really committed to the field, that I must reject the theory of evolution because I believe in God [spoiler alert: they are not exclusive beliefs]. As I’ve mentioned before, I had a really nice system in place where God and work did not mix. I had God time and I had work time. Then, all of a sudden, the two met- making one of my biggest fears into reality. And it didn’t kill me, like I thought it would. Thanks to the grace of Jesus.