I’d like to do a quick update on my reading of Captivating. I know I said I wouldn’t comment on the book until I had finished reading it, and I will (try to) stick to that promise. But I had some thoughts about my reading that I want to process through. So bear with me, this might sound scattered.
The authors mostly focus on how God created women different from men and why these differences are positive. I’m sure for many women, it is uplifting and encouraging, a helpful tool in the journey of growing as women of Christ. But I’ve been hesitant to read it until now, and I can feel my heart closing its doors to many of the messages it tells. And after more reflection on how I view femininity (and how I see myself), I have some thoughts as to why these doors are closing.
This might be repetitive from previous posts, but I don’t have the fondest association with the word “feminine.” I was taught from an early age that I could do anything I wanted to do, and that I could be anything I wanted to be. Mostly what I wanted to be was great. I had this longing in my heart to do something that would really change the world. I’ll be honest with you, most of my childhood heroes were involved with social justice. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Harriet Tubman, Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, to name a few. Nothing too exciting there. But it always struck me that when women were involved with great things, they were somehow displaced from the category of “feminine” and put into some sort of separate place. It was as if I was given a definition of most women, and then given a few exceptions.
Again, I’m making no claims that my schoolteachers were evil and built this construct in my head to poison me. I also don’t want to create a framework here of what makes one woman better than another. I’m merely stating that, right or wrong, somewhere along the way I had created these two distinct categories of “women” and “women who get shit done.” And the latter sounded much more appealing. So, obviously, this is the type of woman I aspired to be.
I also quickly learned that, if you want to be this type of woman, you do not have time to wait for men to figure out how to lead you. So you put yourself in the take-charge position and you let others follow your lead. Not in a crazy dictator fashion (I know there are women and men out there who are like this), but in a way to make sure ends are achieved.
I’m not going to get into a discussion here about whether these attributes are found in a Godly woman.
I do want to point out that I have spent many years aspiring to be this type of woman, and that when I think about having these qualities, I think of having them as a person and not as a woman. This is important. I didn’t learn to distinguish my personal attributes from others based on my sex. I’ve never been a big fan of “Guys are better at ____” or “Women clearly have the upper hand in _____.” I think most things (most) can be trained to improvement, especially early in life, no matter who you are, and that your sex has minimal to no effect on how well or poorly you do something.
And everything is relative.
But anyway.
Reading this book has completely challenged my perspective of who I am. The authors make claims of desires every woman has, and characteristics that every woman has (that men either don’t have or are not as strong at). They have me questioning my identity and if I have been mistaken in who I thought God had called me to be.
I think the hardest thing for me is the insecure feeling this book is bringing back to me. I have worked for a long time to be comfortable with who I am and to not constantly wish I was different in multiple ways; most of my spiritual journey in college was spent learning how to love the way God made me. Now I’m reading this book that has me thinking I need to be different again, and that I did it all wrong. It’s extremely uncomfortable to have the validity of your entire person challenged after investing lots of time learning how to love that person.
It could be a good challenge. I don’t know. I’m not sure if I agree with many of the points in the book. And I’m having a rather hard time not shaming myself and my character traits based on what has been written.
I know the authors didn’t intend to shame the audience and I know it’s the Enemy getting in my head and leading me to these doubts. Nevertheless, the weird feelings are there. So, we’ll see how the rest of the read goes. As for all you women out there who also feel uncomfortable reading it- you are not alone. And I don’t hesitate to say that I firmly believe God loves you no matter how you’re feeling when you read this book. I’m not saying it’s a terrible book and no one should read it. I’m saying, don’t get discouraged if you feel as if the book wasn’t written for you. It makes you no less of a woman, and no less of a child of God.
For the men…I have never read Wild at Heart (the “male version” of Captivating) so I have 0 clues on how to address you all. Sorry dudes. Jesus loves you too.